Useless Shit Index nears normal levels

Washington – After more than two years of economic slump, the economy is starting to show signs of a rebound in virtually all sectors.  The latest is the Useless Shit Index, a survey of American’s spending habits on useless shit, shitty items nobody needs, including those classified as “gifts” and purchased at “gift” stores.

Sports memorabilia is a leading category of useless shit. Souvenir mugs, eraser sets, and stuffed animals purchases rose 28% in July.

“In July, the Useless Shit Index” reached levels we haven’t seen since 2007,” said Lela Rosen, lead economist for the Branberg Institute, the NGO at George Washington University responsible for monitoring the USI.  However, she cautioned that the figures could be misleading.  “While it’s true the USI peaked at 74.1, it’s important to note that this figure alone does not indicate the quality of useless shit Americans are buying.  Sure, they’re buying their shamwows and their Precious Moments figurines, but not all USI purchases are from such high end establishments.”  Rosen pointed out that as the economy suffers, Americans tend to limit their useless shit purchases for a period before entering the first phase of recovery, in which they buy useless shit, but lower quality useless shit at discount establishments such as street venders and even Wal-Mart.

Commemorative goods purchases rose 54% in July, with Jackson tshirts and posters accounting for 78% of that.

“If you’re buying your useless shit at Wal-Mart, rather than Spencer’s Gifts, you’re still buying crap you don’t need and can only feign interest in for – what?  A couple of weeks? – but you’re not really demonstrating your true American consumer confidence until you’re buying useless shit at full price 365 days a year just because your friends suggest you go into the shop with the bright, flashing lights on the way to the food court.”  The distinction is difficult to pin down for those who are not economists, Rosen explained.  “You could spend $19.95 on some shitty foot massage thing at Wal-Mart, or you could go to Spencer’s Gifts and spend $49.99 on a pretty much the same item.  Both items are equally shitty.  You’ll be just as unsatisfied with either one, but when the USI is low, you’re bargain hunting for your shit, and there’s nothing more pathetic than that.”

Rosen acknowledged that a portion of the increase in July may be attributed to purchases of Michael Jackson memorial T-shirts.  Experts say arranging Jackson’s death might have been the most shrewd and effective part of Obama’s stimulus plan.