Economy


Hamburg, Germany – In a move that surprised analysts, the long awaited spontaneous uprising of the workers of the world finally

South African workers freed from the bonds of capitalism take to the street in celebration.

occurred at 10:43 AM GMT, Friday, ushering in a glorious revolution which quickly brought an end to the capitalist system and signaled the beginning of the next stage in economic development, namely, the workers’ control of the means of production.

According to witnesses, it all began in Hamburg, Germany when Elsa Viktor, a 19 year-old Jamba Saft cashier and barista, realized that the values of hard work and dedication she had learned from her parents served only those who owned the means of production and who extracted profit from the exploitation of her labor.  Said, Viktor, “All that we’ve been living under is an illusion.”

Witnesses report that the shattering of the image of capitalist ideology spread quickly, reaching as far as New Zealand coastal fishermen within the hour.  By noon, much of the worldwide bourgeoisie was on its knees before the sheer power and mass of the proletariat, organized only by their sense of unity.

Sources indicated that the notion of the nation state became obsolete sometime around 2:25 PM GMT, shortly after millions of agrarian collectives sprung up in small villages and urban centers worldwide, indicating a swift movement through transitional communism into anarchist utopia propped up by the global sense of mutual aid.

Heaven – In a press conference and accompanying detailed press release, Friday, God announced a recall of nearly seven billion human beings, and the universe as a whole, telling reporters, “Frankly, I rushed the whole thing to market.” This rings true with God’s critics, who have often suggested that six days to design, implement, and distribute the whole of the universe is not enough.

God sorry about war, protesters.

God sorry about war, protesters.

One critic, Elizabeth Chalmers of the nonprofit group, Humans for a More Efficient Universe, noted, “God spent only six days creating the universe, and then he rested.  He did nothing for – like – trillions of years, and then he saw that things were getting messy so he sent his assistant to do some stuff, but it was really too little too late for such minimal damage control.”

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Washington – Vice President Biden told reporters Friday that he sees clear signs of economic recovery everywhere he looks, but especially online.   “I saw one guy on the internet who seemed to be passed out drunk, and it said he was making $675 a day just by surfing Google!”  The Vice President says he couldn’t remember exactly where he’d seen the “story,” but he’s “sure you can find it if you just surf around a little bit.”

Vice President Biden upon learning that theres a new energy drink for people who are tired of being tired.

Vice President Biden upon learning that there's a new energy drink for people who are tired of being tired.

Economists have noted minor signs of growth in key indicators such as housing, Wall Street profits, and a DOW that has been trending upward since early spring, but Biden told reporters, “This is the real deal.  I mean, I saw one unemployed mom who paid off her credit card debt, and she still had enough money left over to have a big bundle of cash that she fanned out to show off for this photo I saw.  It was mostly twenties!”

Witnesses say Biden could hardly restrain his enthusiasm as he touted all the great things Americans could do with all that money.  “The possibilities are endless.  You could get your teeth whitened.  Apparently, there’s this single mom who figured out how to do it.  You could get a Ph.D online!  That’s perfect because I read that President Obama is calling for mothers to return to school!  Oh, you could finally get ripped in 30 days – I’ve seen these guys, and they’re really ripped.  I think they found the next creatine, or something.  I don’t know.  It’s a great day!”

New York – In a move the White House admits will be devastating to the nation’s humor industry, Comedic Air, the world’s leading airline for comedians for nearly thirty years, is closing its doors next month, said CEO Patricia Chalmers.  “After three decades of transporting comedians around the world in the zaniest possible ways, it has become clear that our business is no longer competitive.”  Comedic is best known for serving very small, hard to open packets of peanuts and seating screaming children behind you on eight hour flights.  In recent years, they have attempted to increase revenue by strategically placing shifty-eyed, bearded men throughout the cabin, but Chalmers said, “Only the borderline racist comedians took the bait on that.  We thought it would be funny to give people an opportunity to freak out a little bit, but it proved less successful than traditional methods such as sitting comedians in the middle seat between two obese people.  All comedians still love that one.”

I dont know.  Whatever.

I don't know. Whatever.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld told reporters Friday that he is saddened to hear that Comedic is going out of business.  “I owe most of my career to them.  I don’t know what I would have done without their monotone pilots and their very small bathrooms.  I mean, what’s the deal with them going out of business?  Are we supposed to take humorous rickshaws everywhere now or-?”  Seinfeld then asked reporters if they’ve ever noticed certain things about air travel that they had, in fact, noticed but had never seen as humorous until explained in an ever higher pitched tone. (more…)

Sayreville, NJ – Dock worker Tommy Ionelli has been out of work for three months since his union’s been on strike.  He’s down on his luck, says Ionelli.  “It’s tough, so tough.”

Tommy and Gina leaving the unemployment office.

Tommy and Gina leave the unemployment office.

Ionellli’s girlfriend Gina Manzini picked up work at Frank’s Diner in Trenton, where she frequently works multiple shifts, staying at the diner all day.  “I’m working for my man,” Manzini told reporters Wednesday.  Sources say she brings home her pay for love – for love.

“We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got” Manzini said, referring to the one bedroom apartment she and Ionelli moved into last year.  Experts say it doesn’t make a difference if they make it or not because the two have got each other.  Reached for comment, Debrah Quenlin, the couple’s downstairs neighbor added, “And thats a lot for love – I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if they give it a shot.”

According to reports, whooah, they’re half way there.  Whooah, living on a prayer.  Researchers at Rutgers University have found that if Manzini takes Ionelli’s hand, and Ionelli in turn swears, the two will, in fact, make it living on a prayer.
Others close to the couple agree despite Tommy having sold his six string guitar at a local pawn shop.  However, Psychologist Anne Jackson, chair of the department of Psychology at Ball State University warn that Ionelli is now “Holding in what he used to make it talk – so tough, it’s tough.”  Jackson also suggested that it’s likely that Manzini dreams of running away.

Gerald Williams, one of several Rutgers sociologists on the research team, says it is likely that “When Manzini cries in the night, Ionelli offers reassurance in the form of soothing whispers to diffuse Manzini’s anxiety, likely offering simple promises of future success along with comforting words such as ‘it’s okay.’”  Williams added, “He may even refer to her with a ‘pet name’ such as ‘baby’ in such circumstances.”
“We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got” Manzini said, referring to the one bedroom apartment she and Ionelli moved into last year.  Experts say it doesn’t make a difference if they make it or not because the two have got each other.  Reached for comment, Debrah Quenlin, the couple’s downstairs neighbor added, “And thats a lot for love – I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if they give it a shot.”

According to reports, whooah, they’re half way there.  Whooah, living on a prayer.  Researchers at Rutgers University have found that if Manzini takes Ionelli’s hand, and Ionelli in turn swears, the two will, in fact, make it living on a prayer.

Washington – After more than two years of economic slump, the economy is starting to show signs of a rebound in virtually all sectors.  The latest is the Useless Shit Index, a survey of American’s spending habits on useless shit, shitty items nobody needs, including those classified as “gifts” and purchased at “gift” stores.

Sports memorabilia is a leading category of useless shit.  Souvenir mugs, eraser sets, and stuffed animals rose 28% in July.

Sports memorabilia is a leading category of useless shit. Souvenir mugs, eraser sets, and stuffed animals purchases rose 28% in July.

“In July, the Useless Shit Index” reached levels we haven’t seen since 2007,” said Lela Rosen, lead economist for the Branberg Institute, the NGO at George Washington University responsible for monitoring the USI.  However, she cautioned that the figures could be misleading.  “While it’s true the USI peaked at 74.1, it’s important to note that this figure alone does not indicate the quality of useless shit Americans are buying.  Sure, they’re buying their shamwows and their Precious Moments figurines, but not all USI purchases are from such high end establishments.”  Rosen pointed out that as the economy suffers, Americans tend to limit their useless shit purchases for a period before entering the first phase of recovery, in which they buy useless shit, but lower quality useless shit at discount establishments such as street venders and even Wal-Mart.

Commemorative goods purchases rose 54% in July, with Jackson tshirts and posters accounting for 78% of that.

Commemorative goods purchases rose 54% in July, with Jackson tshirts and posters accounting for 78% of that.

“If you’re buying your useless shit at Wal-Mart, rather than Spencer’s Gifts, you’re still buying crap you don’t need and can only feign interest in for – what?  A couple of weeks? – but you’re not really demonstrating your true American consumer confidence until you’re buying useless shit at full price 365 days a year just because your friends suggest you go into the shop with the bright, flashing lights on the way to the food court.”  The distinction is difficult to pin down for those who are not economists, Rosen explained.  “You could spend $19.95 on some shitty foot massage thing at Wal-Mart, or you could go to Spencer’s Gifts and spend $49.99 on a pretty much the same item.  Both items are equally shitty.  You’ll be just as unsatisfied with either one, but when the USI is low, you’re bargain hunting for your shit, and there’s nothing more pathetic than that.”

Rosen acknowledged that a portion of the increase in July may be attributed to purchases of Michael Jackson memorial T-shirts.  Experts say arranging Jackson’s death might have been the most shrewd and effective part of Obama’s stimulus plan.