Obama, Michael Bennet to destroy everything you love.

Boulder – According to Tea Party-backed senate candidate Ken Buck, a vote for incumbent Democrat Michael Bennet is a vote against the World Series.  Buck has heavily criticized Bennet’s support of the Obama agenda during the campaign, a fact Bennet has never denied.  In a speech before the  local VFW in Boulder, Wednesday, Buck told voters, “My opponent has supported Obama Care, the bailout, and raising taxes time and again.  You know he’s going to support Obama’s plan to outlaw The World Series if he’s reelected.”

One audience member was quoted as saying, “That damn Obama.  First he raises taxes, and then he cancels the World Series.  What is this world coming to?”

The Bennet campaign released a statement in response, but nobody in the audience read it, so as far as they know Michael Bennet wants to raise taxes on everyone and cancel the World Series.


Wilmington – Local father, Bruce Gates, issued a statement on his blog, Sunday, asserting that recent media attention to the nation-wide “Tea Party” movement has been “blown way out of proportion.”  According to Gates, he had experienced the Tea Party first hand earlier in the day in his daughter, Dakota’s, backyard playhouse.

Five year old Dakota Gates, Tea Party organizer.

“First, I should say that I didn’t see any signs of racism,” wrote Gates, continuing, “so I don’t know why everybody has been talking about that.”  Although Gates went on to criticize the party for the lack of diversity among guests, he noted that “the conspicuous absence of Rita RINO likely signaled an intensification of the well-publicized internal struggle with Hipolito Hippopotamus and Mr. Giraffe more than an act of discrimination on the part of the organizers.”

Gates, however, did offer a scathing critique of the limited tea selection at the party, writing, “Frankly, it was pretty much just imaginary hot water with a little something in it.  I can see why Keith Olbermann is so insistent on calling it just a hyped up version of the Republican Party.”  Adding, “Wait, no I can’t.”

Gates was unable to explain why Sarah Palin attended the party.  “She just showed up with a camera crew, gave a speech, shook my hand, told me it’s people like me and my daughter who make this the greatest country in the world, and left.”

Gates is best known for his groundbreaking 2007 report on the Anti-Bush movement which prompted him to buy a gently used electric hedge trimmer off Craig’s List.