A screen shot of CNN.com headlines

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Note: These are real headlines from CNN, but the blurbs are made up:

Screen shot from CNN.com 9-5-10.

Four members of an Uruguayan rugby team who survived a plane crash and inspired the book and movie “Alive” offer their support to trapped miners in Chile. “Thigh meat can be really tough, but if you marinate it long enough, the payoff makes it totally worth it,” said a spokesperson for the group.  Adding, “Om nom nom.”

  • Families remember mine collapse “Yeah, of course I remember it!  It was like a week ago.  What kind of a question is that?  Do I remember the mine  collapse?  What’s the matter with you?”
  • Gallery of trapped miners The Madison, WI indi band will open for Sunny Day Real Estate on their comeback tour next summer.

Latest news

  • Cops: Man imprisoned family for year Like all men do, emotionally.
  • Group: Iranian woman set for 99 lashes Mahnaz Daneshvar, of Jajarm, is set to be the first Iranian to receive a life-saving eyelash transplant.
  • Steven Slater, JetBlue part ways Steven Slater arrived in Omaha, Saturday, where he safely deplaned and proceeded through B terminal, effectively parting ways with Jet Blue, adding, “Yeah, it was a nice flight.”
  • U.S., South Korea delay joint exercises Plans to hit the gym together were delayed again, Saturday, when South Korea realized it had to pick its kid up at soccer practice.  This, following the U.S.’s cancellation of plans last week because the van was reportedly making a noise, and Saturday was the only time it would have a chance to bring it in.  “We’ll go next week,” assured South Korea.  “Yeah, definitely,” responded the U.S., who joined the gym last winter with plans to work off those extra holiday pounds in the midsection but who have only gone once and just shot hoops for a few minutes then walked one mile on the  treadmill, and that was it.
  • Craigslist censors its adult section Children’s section remains uncensored and full of the most heinous smut imaginable.
  • New Zealand region on edge after quake Literally.  There is a huge chasm in the ground, and this region is on the edge of it.
  • Earl lashes Canada after skirting U.S. U.S. secretly hurt that Earl didn’t even bother stopping to say hi.  “Uncle Earl was always my favorite,” said the U.S.  “I always knew Canada was his favorite, but I really would’ve like to see him.”
  • Peace Corps volunteer killed in Lesotho There’s nothing funny about that.
  • Opinion: Reporting Ariz. to U.N. correct The words in this headline don’t make sense together.
  • Man missing three months calls home “Have you seen my three months?  I can’t find them anywhere,” said Darryl Meekly, who just can’t remember where he left his three months.
  • Osteoporosis drugs linked to cancer? No.  (Tune in next week for the next installment of CNN’s 7,992,003,626, 1274 part series, “What Is and What Isn’t Linked to Cancer,” when we take a look at thumbtacks.)
  • Ticker: Oval Office makeover mistake? Republican lawmakers are blasting the Obama Administration’s decision to go with pink drapes and shag carpeting.  “The American people need jobs right now,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner.  “They don’t need a rug they can walk around barefoot on – even though I’m sure it feels heavenly between their toes.”
  • Lohan, ShamWow guy team up There is no need to riff this.