Washington – Foreign-born insurgent fascist president Barack Hussein Obama allowed Republicans to win pick up nearly 70 seats in The House and eleven governorships, baffling critics and conspiracy nutcases, Tuesday.

“It’s clearly a ploy to make us think… uhhh… You know what, just asking that question makes you no better than Obama,” said Murray Wadsman, a Nebraskan conspiricist and author of the book Eat, Pray, Love, Obama is Satan.

So-called "president" imagines plot to destroy America.

In an Match.com profile post, Wednesday morning, Sarah Palin conceded that Obama was behind the GOP wins on election day and implicated a vast conspiracy to take away the American people’s guns.  “The LAMESTREAM media aren’t reporting that Obama tampered with ballots in all fifty states just to distract us from his plot to send his unions out to invade our homes and take our guns.  But we’re not falling for it.  Watch my new show Sarah Palin’s Alaska this fall on TLC.”

In a memo to DNC chair Tim Caine leaked to The Scallion, Obama said “Excellent.  I see our plan is well under way.  The stupid American people are falling right into our trap, no?  Soon, we will destroy them, comrade.  Allah is Great.”

What’s that?  Yes, it’s a very reliable source.  I can’t tell you.  Just somebody I know.  No!  It’s one of my contacts!  No, you can’t see the document!  Security!  Security!  Arrest this person!

Ahem.  Where were we?  Oh, yeah.  Obama’s a fascists, election results evidence of it, etc…

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Obama, Michael Bennet to destroy everything you love.

Boulder – According to Tea Party-backed senate candidate Ken Buck, a vote for incumbent Democrat Michael Bennet is a vote against the World Series.  Buck has heavily criticized Bennet’s support of the Obama agenda during the campaign, a fact Bennet has never denied.  In a speech before the  local VFW in Boulder, Wednesday, Buck told voters, “My opponent has supported Obama Care, the bailout, and raising taxes time and again.  You know he’s going to support Obama’s plan to outlaw The World Series if he’s reelected.”

One audience member was quoted as saying, “That damn Obama.  First he raises taxes, and then he cancels the World Series.  What is this world coming to?”

The Bennet campaign released a statement in response, but nobody in the audience read it, so as far as they know Michael Bennet wants to raise taxes on everyone and cancel the World Series.

Washington – President Obama issued a call to Congress, Friday, to return to the nation’s capital to authorize his declaration of thumb war.  According to Obama insiders, the President declared war on his daughter, Malia, early Friday morning amidst speculation that the younger Obama was “engaging in aggressive maneuvers,” allegedly hinting at an impending “tickle fight.”  After declaring the preemptive thumb war, Obama was told by advisers that this was beyond the limits of power since the tickle fight had not actually taken place yet.

President Obama asked Congress to authorize a thumb war by the count of four .

Obama cited Dwight Eisenhower’s 1954 declaration of war on the weeds in the Whitehouse lawn as precedent, but Attorney General Eric Holder informed the President that, in fact, Truman’s declaration was not applicable given that the crab grass had been encroaching on American soil for several months by the time talks broke down and Eisenhower enacted Presidential Authority.

Obama then immediately issued a call to Congress to return from their pre-election break and authorize thumb war.  House Minority Leader John Boehner accused the President of playing political games in an attempt to muster support for Democrats in Congress.

Washington – According to an ABC News poll, Sasha Obama’s approval ratings are at their lowest since taking office two and a half

Signs suggest the Obama's have been distancing themselves from Sasha in the weaks leading up to midterms.

years ago, bottoming out at 37%, with just 22% approval among independent third graders.  Critics cite her controversial Silly Bandz position, as well as her inability to move legislation through congress, among the reasons for the recent drop in numbers.

Rumors in the media of Sasha having cooties, as well as Sarah Palin’s Twitter accusation that she has been associating with known boys, have also nagged the one term daughter over the past several months.  “This is going to be hard for her to shake off,” said her teacher, Mrs. Weathers, “especially in light of comments she made on the campaign trail about ‘spreading the toys around.’  These things all seem to be piling up and taking their toll.”

Sources close to the sisters report that Malia, facing her own bleak prospects against  tea party candidate Dakota Gates, has declined to campaign for her younger sister, instead electing to go to the mall with some stupid boy, probably.