Washington – President Obama issued a call to Congress, Friday, to return to the nation’s capital to authorize his declaration of thumb war.  According to Obama insiders, the President declared war on his daughter, Malia, early Friday morning amidst speculation that the younger Obama was “engaging in aggressive maneuvers,” allegedly hinting at an impending “tickle fight.”  After declaring the preemptive thumb war, Obama was told by advisers that this was beyond the limits of power since the tickle fight had not actually taken place yet.

President Obama asked Congress to authorize a thumb war by the count of four .

Obama cited Dwight Eisenhower’s 1954 declaration of war on the weeds in the Whitehouse lawn as precedent, but Attorney General Eric Holder informed the President that, in fact, Truman’s declaration was not applicable given that the crab grass had been encroaching on American soil for several months by the time talks broke down and Eisenhower enacted Presidential Authority.

Obama then immediately issued a call to Congress to return from their pre-election break and authorize thumb war.  House Minority Leader John Boehner accused the President of playing political games in an attempt to muster support for Democrats in Congress.

Burbank, CA – Local man Jim Hoffman was devastated Monday to discover his life featured on the popular humiliation-based internet site failblog.org.  “I usually visit that site a couple times a day,” said the 38 year old insurance claims adjuster. “I get a chuckle out of kids falling off trampolines and old people driving really badly, but this was different.”

Jim Hoffman, all around pitiful human being.

Hoffman, who has been living alone since his wife left him in 2002, told reporters he thought he was doing okay in life.  “I mean, I have a pretty good job.  I’m paying off my house on time.  I get exercise on weekends.  I guess I never really stepped back to look at the big picture.”

Experts agree Hoffman will almost certainly live out the rest of his life without ever knowing love or experiencing any sort of significant joy.  “It was only a matter of time before Mr. Hoffman realized the hollowness of his life and the pathetic nature of the simple pleasures in which he has taken comfort for many years” said Angelina Lopez-Williams, of the McCarther Institute for Fail Studies at The University of California Irvine.  “Our research indicates that even now, having discovered his life mocked on a popular website, even now he has only caught a glimpse of the utter pointlessness of his professional and personal lives.  He’s only at about 4.7 on the Arnold Self-Awareness Scale (named after former Rosanne Barr spouse Tom Arnold).”

Hoffman plans to purchase a fast car and is considering getting a tattoo in attempt to regain some vitality in life, but Lopez-Williams cautions against optimism.  “It is very unlikely that Mr. Hoffman’s life could be salvaged from the depths of failure.  On the contrary, if he’s not careful, there is a good chance he’ll soon find his life on thereifixedit.failblog.org.  The flashy sports car is nothing more than the duct tape of the middle age man world.”

Hamburg, Germany – In a move that surprised analysts, the long awaited spontaneous uprising of the workers of the world finally

South African workers freed from the bonds of capitalism take to the street in celebration.

occurred at 10:43 AM GMT, Friday, ushering in a glorious revolution which quickly brought an end to the capitalist system and signaled the beginning of the next stage in economic development, namely, the workers’ control of the means of production.

According to witnesses, it all began in Hamburg, Germany when Elsa Viktor, a 19 year-old Jamba Saft cashier and barista, realized that the values of hard work and dedication she had learned from her parents served only those who owned the means of production and who extracted profit from the exploitation of her labor.  Said, Viktor, “All that we’ve been living under is an illusion.”

Witnesses report that the shattering of the image of capitalist ideology spread quickly, reaching as far as New Zealand coastal fishermen within the hour.  By noon, much of the worldwide bourgeoisie was on its knees before the sheer power and mass of the proletariat, organized only by their sense of unity.

Sources indicated that the notion of the nation state became obsolete sometime around 2:25 PM GMT, shortly after millions of agrarian collectives sprung up in small villages and urban centers worldwide, indicating a swift movement through transitional communism into anarchist utopia propped up by the global sense of mutual aid.

Sad puppy.

Madison – A local man walked down the hill Tuesday to visit the new coop on the first day of its “soft opening.”  In search of locally grown bulk vegan protein sources, he approached an employee taking notes on the state of the bulk bins.  The two reportedly spoke for several minutes before being interrupted by the local man’s good-natured professor who playfully interjected, saying, “Don’t trust this guy.”  According to sources, the local man explained that said professor shows up all over the place, telling people that.  In a move which some experts say may indicate a level of social interest, the young woman asked at which school the two academics were employed.  Witnesses told police they saw the local man gesture toward the hill, identifying the local Polytechnic Institute, rather than the women’s college several blocks in the opposite direction.  At one point, the woman indicated that she is new to the area, to which the man replied, “Oh, well.  Welcome.”

Officials have indicated that the discussion got no more personal, despite several other interactions following consultations with the bulk manager.

A follow-up visit the next day passed with no exchange.  Sources say the local man feels pretty stupid, and there is a chance he will go back to the store tomorrow and ask if the woman has determined the source of the unbleached, organic white flour.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters Wednesday that the man is unlikely to ever successfully engage in dialogue with the woman again, adding, “Even if he did, he’d eventually discover that she lives with her boyfriend, or she’s too young for him, or something like that.  Pathetic, really.”

Washington – According to an ABC News poll, Sasha Obama’s approval ratings are at their lowest since taking office two and a half

Signs suggest the Obama's have been distancing themselves from Sasha in the weaks leading up to midterms.

years ago, bottoming out at 37%, with just 22% approval among independent third graders.  Critics cite her controversial Silly Bandz position, as well as her inability to move legislation through congress, among the reasons for the recent drop in numbers.

Rumors in the media of Sasha having cooties, as well as Sarah Palin’s Twitter accusation that she has been associating with known boys, have also nagged the one term daughter over the past several months.  “This is going to be hard for her to shake off,” said her teacher, Mrs. Weathers, “especially in light of comments she made on the campaign trail about ‘spreading the toys around.’  These things all seem to be piling up and taking their toll.”

Sources close to the sisters report that Malia, facing her own bleak prospects against  tea party candidate Dakota Gates, has declined to campaign for her younger sister, instead electing to go to the mall with some stupid boy, probably.

Note: These are real headlines from CNN, but the blurbs are made up: