World


Kabul – In what had been described as a tainted election with violence and threats against voters, Iran’s Mahmud Ahmadinejad has been declared the surprise winner.

Ive stolen two elections this year! This is the only possible explanation for this photo.  Hes not exactly peace-loving.

"I've stolen two elections this year!" This is the only possible explanation for this photo. He's not exactly peace-loving.

Polls had shown incumbent Hamid Karzai was the favorite (wink wink) with Abdullah Abdullah mounting a serious run as a close contender, but after votes were counted Friday, Ahmadinejad had 62% of the vote.  UN election monitor, Sami Harfide, explained the surprise outcome. “I guess when we did the polls, we forgot to ask if people were planning to vote for him.  In retrospect, we should have known better.”

Reports indicate that the only explanation is that Ahmadinejad benefited greatly from the practice of family patriarchs casting for all the slaves women in their family.  One voter explained, “My wife would vote how I vote, so we just cut out the middle man.  Also, we cut out her clitoris.”

When asked for a comment, President Obama mustered a difficult half smile and said, “if the election is determined… to be legitimate… the United States… would…”  Obama failed to finish the sentence, instead saying, “I just… seriously?  Come on!”

Hamid Karzai reportedly called Ahmadinejad to concede defeat.  Sources say Karzai told Ahmadinejad, “boy, you really know how to steal an election, my friend!  I thought I had this one in the bag, what with the registration of thousands more people than some areas have eligible voters, but you?  You’re the master.”

This marks a record second sham election Ahmadinejab has stolen in less than three months.  Sources say he now has his sights set on Algerian Parliamentary elections in December, where he hopes to win four to six seats in the national government.

Tehran – Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was sworn for his second term Wednesday after a bitter election and ensuing brutal crackdown on opposition protests.

“Wooooo, we’re number one!”, the little dictator said as Queen’s “We Are the Champions” played over the arena sound system and confetti rained on the field.  “I just, this is unbelievable.  You know, I just want to thank the Lord and my mom and dad for being there and supporting me.  I just, you know, I couldn’t have done it without my team.  They worked hard all season, stuffing ballot boxes and beating protesters.  This is their win. This is their win!”

"We're number 1!"

"We're number 1!"

Ahmadinejad’s coach, Ayatollah “Skip” Ali Khameini said of Ahmadinejad, “You know, Mahmoud is a great competitor.  He really worked hard all season, and in the off-season, too, and you really got to hand it to him.  When those peaceful protestors came out, he really responded like a champion and really showed the whole league he knew how to suppress dissent.  I’m really proud of him right now.”  Khameini continued, “You know, you try to put your best team out on the field and call the right plays, and Mahmoud is just, he’s a champion, he’s our go-to guy.  You need to know that when there’s an election to fix, you’ll have a leader out there on the field who can take control and perform in the clutch.  I’m really proud of this win.  Praise Allah.”