Columbus, OH – Greg Mintor, of accounting firm Anderson, Wheeler, and Associates, peered out the break room window, Friday, and spotted the first flake of snow ever to fall on the face of the earth, according to a source on the scene.

Local man acts like he's never fucking seen snow before.

“Greg went nuts,” said the anonymous informant.  “He was running up and down the halls yelling, ‘It’s snowing!  It’s snowing.’”

Another anonymous coworker told reporters, “He was prancing around singing Christmas carols like some elfin halfwit wacked out on sugarplums.  Pathetic.”

Jill St. Marie, the manager of Mintor’s team, reported that she was unable to get him to focus on his work for the rest of the day.  “He was all, like, ‘Let’s do secret Santa this year.  Let’s do secret Santa this year!’  I finally had to tell him, ‘If you don’t get to work, I’m gonna have to write you up.’  He didn’t say anything to that, just handed me a candycane and did cartwheels down the hall.”

According to sources, Mintor’s coworkers believe the presence of the candycanes indicates that this was a premeditated celebration.

“That green and white snowflake sweater came out of nowhere,” said Beth Thomas, who shares a cubicle and a bookcase with Mintor.

Authorities found that Mintor’s Facebook page contained a chilling premonition of things to come.  Lead investigator Donya Johnson told reporters that Mintor’s Facebook status updates for the past several weeks indicate a clear pattern of behavior and a tendency that loved ones should have noticed.  “As early as November 7th, Mintor was posting ambiguous messages like, ‘Soon I will have my day’ and ‘It’s beginning to look a lot like… showtime.’”  According to Johnson, Friday’s post said simply, “Today IS the day!”

Authorities are calling for a national day of awareness, suggesting families need to be educated about cases such as these so that they may recognize the warning signs.

Said, Johnson, “It’s like the guy had never seen snow before.  What the fuck?  Calm down.”


Bermuda – Locals fearing the wrath of hurricane Bill this week launched a massive campaign to make it clear that the

Gays responsible for 94% of all bad things in the world.

Gays responsible for 94% of all bad things in the world.

British Colony has very little tolerance for homosexuality.  After Jerry Falwell’s 2005 assessment that the damage of hurricane Katrina was the result of God’s punishment for homosexuality and abortion, the residents of Bermuda decided their only chance to avert disaster was to shun these things.  One resident explained the massive effort.  “We closed down our gay nightclubs, our gay restaurants, our gay spas, our gay water parks, our gay farmers markets, our gay sugar fields, our gay television studios, our gay power plants, everything gay.  Even our gay abortion clinics.”

Bill reportedly learned of this antigay activity and immediately headed toward Massachusetts, where most of the gays live – the ones who don’t live in San Francisco, anyway.  Sources say they will be wiped out by an earthquake early next year, anyway.