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Wilmington – Local father, Bruce Gates, issued a statement on his blog, Sunday, asserting that recent media attention to the nation-wide “Tea Party” movement has been “blown way out of proportion.”  According to Gates, he had experienced the Tea Party first hand earlier in the day in his daughter, Dakota’s, backyard playhouse.

Five year old Dakota Gates, Tea Party organizer.

“First, I should say that I didn’t see any signs of racism,” wrote Gates, continuing, “so I don’t know why everybody has been talking about that.”  Although Gates went on to criticize the party for the lack of diversity among guests, he noted that “the conspicuous absence of Rita RINO likely signaled an intensification of the well-publicized internal struggle with Hipolito Hippopotamus and Mr. Giraffe more than an act of discrimination on the part of the organizers.”

Gates, however, did offer a scathing critique of the limited tea selection at the party, writing, “Frankly, it was pretty much just imaginary hot water with a little something in it.  I can see why Keith Olbermann is so insistent on calling it just a hyped up version of the Republican Party.”  Adding, “Wait, no I can’t.”

Gates was unable to explain why Sarah Palin attended the party.  “She just showed up with a camera crew, gave a speech, shook my hand, told me it’s people like me and my daughter who make this the greatest country in the world, and left.”

Gates is best known for his groundbreaking 2007 report on the Anti-Bush movement which prompted him to buy a gently used electric hedge trimmer off Craig’s List.

Dearborn, MI – Dean Shivo was listening to old indie CD’s Monday when he realized a song by ‘90’s Midwest emo band, Cold Weather Jacket, explains his situation perfectly.  “It’s like, that band must have had a time machine, and, like, they interviewed me, then went back in time and made this song,” said Shivo, who recently broke up with his girlfriend when she moved to Austin, TX to attend graduate school.  “I mean, if you just replace ‘Indiana’ with ‘Texas,’ it’s exactly what I’m going through,” he said, referring to the song’s title, “Call me, Indiana.”

Le sigh*

*Le sigh*

“How did they know that I would want to call her but just couldn’t dial that phone?  How did they know?”  Shivo explained that the jangling guitar rifs seem to be written just for him, and the part in the song in which the music stops but the singer sings a couple syllables and then the music comes back in really heavy, that’s like his heart stopping but the vocals that keep going are like his feelings for Debbie.  “Oh, yeah, the song seems to be dedicated to somebody named ‘Sarah,’ if the second bridge is any clue, so you’d have to change that, too.  But, other than ‘Sarah’ and ‘Indiana,’ it’s pretty much about me.”

Shivo admits that he’s not quite sure what to make of the reference to “walking down her old street, where we first kissed” since the two actually first kissed in his apartment, but he’s pretty sure there’s something in there. (more…)

Hyanis Port – Senator Ted Kennedy, known as “The Lion of the Senate,” a strong advocate for civil rights, universal health care, and the plight of the poor since he filled his brother’s Senate seat in 1962, died Wednesday morning at 77.

The American people suspect nothing, Comrade?  Da.

"The American people suspect nothing, Comrade?" "Da."

Kennedy had sought “end of life consultation” with his doctor, apparently not realizing that “end of life consultation” is code for “Death Panel,” and nobody survives the Death Panel.

“Just like when Hitler was elected,” one blogger wrote, “the first thing he did was set up a Death Panel to eliminate all the Reichstag officials who he deemed no longer worthy of treatment.”  No one bothered to check the facts on this.  “Ironically, one of the first people to be put to death by Hitler’s Death Panel was Ikben Ein Berliner, a senator whose brother had been Kaiser and who had served for 47 years in the Reichstag,” said another blogger.

So, youre saying you work for Castro, and he likes the cut of my jib?  Teach me, master.  You can call me comrade.

"So, you're saying you work for Castro, and he likes the cut of my jib? Teach me, master." "You can call me comrade."

Kennedy’s senate seat will likely be filled by another Taxachusetts gay marriage-loving communist.  “If possible,” one Massachusettsian said, “we’d like to fill that seat with someone with one big skeleton in their closet, perhaps a mysterious drunken car crash or a Swiftboat Purple Heart scam.  We love those kinds of people because we are pure evil.  Oh, man!  What if we could another gay guy!  That’d really make Texans hate us!”

Sources say Obama’s Death Panel killing of Kennedy’s is part of a larger scheme to rid the world of all white people, who Obama just hates, soooooo much, according to Fox News’s Glen Beck.