Worried the hot pink iBook he signed up to test a year ago got lost in the mail.

Washington – Vice President Biden told reporters Tuesday that he has struck a deal to test out Apple’s new iPad.  “I logged onto Facebook, and there was an article on the side that said ’57 year-old Vice Presidents needed to test iPad.’  I was like, what are the odds?”

"Oh, sure, Steve Jobs is trying to scam me! He's got nothing better to do!"

The Vice President told reporters that he is excited for the opportunity to test the device and that he doesn’t know why more people don’t take advantage of these offers.  “It was really easy.  All I did was click on the link and then give them my social security number.  That’s all they wanted!  Boy, the Steve Jobs really knows what he’s doing!”

When whether he thought the deal seemed legitimate, Biden insisted that it must be.  “It was on Facebook, so it has to be real.”  When one reporter suggested that not everything on Facebook is legitimate, he retorted, “Na-uh, it has to be real to get on Facebook.”  He further explained that the link his clicked on was an article, “NOT an advertisement” and that it featured a photo of Apple CEO Steve Jobs.  “Why would he let them use his picture if it was a scam?”

The Vice President concluded, “You’re just jealous ‘cause I’m getting an iPad for free and you’re not!”


Savannah, GA – Gregg Jeffers, wowed his friends, Saturday, with a night-long string of jokes about old cell phones, which, as he pointed out, used to be bigger and different.  The group of friends and work collegues gather’s at Sarah’s Bar and Grill for the birthday party of Clearview’s Lisa Vogal, but witnesses say early in the evening Jeffers took center stage.

Clearview's Lisa Vogal (left) displays her "new cell phone" given to her by "humorous" friend Gregg Jeffers (right).

“I was like, who is this guy,” said one attendee, who asked to remain anonymous.  “I got a text message and he was like, ‘whoa, you’re blowing up over there.”  Later, when another guest also received a text, Jeffers accused the two of sending messages to each other, despite their sitting in adjacent seats at the table.  “What, are you two the technology twins?” Jeffers allegedly, asked.  He then mimicked the act of typing with his thumbs, dictating as he did, “If we send each other texts, we don’t have to talk to each other.”  After pausing to laugh boisterously, Jeffers added, “Yeah, check out the cute guy,” then motioned to himself.

“I just took out my cell phone to check the time,” said Laura Gilbert of Carver Heights.  “This guy I’d never even met before grabbed it and was, like, “Look at the size of this thing.  Did you get this on Craig’s List from Zach Morris?  I was like, ‘what are you talking about,’ and he sort of faked pulling out a really long antenna on it and pretended it was a walkie-talkie.  He said he was calling in an air strike and he pretended to crank a little wheel on the back like that’s how you charged it.”  According to witnesses, Gilbert’s Samsung M240 is a modestly-sized flip phone which doesn’t even have an antenna.  “He pretended it had a rotary dial, and we were like, ‘what are you doing?’  He was like, ‘Clondike 129, this is the operator.  Will you accept a person-to-person call?’” reported Jim Weller of Savannah

Witnesses reported that as Vogal began to open her gift from Jeffers, he shouted, “I got you a new cell phone” from across the table.  “I thought that was kind of weird ‘cause he knows I love my Blackberry.  I just got it a couple months ago,” said Vogal.

After all the gifts had been opened, Jeffers embraced Vogal and asked, “How do you like the new cell phone?”  Vogal reportedly smiled and told him she did like it and that it was a funny joke.  He then proceeded to tell the group about what cell phones were like in the 1980s.  “They were bigger.  I mean, that’s pretty much just what he said,” reported Gilbert.  “Okay, we get it.  Funny guy.”

New Haven, CT – Yale University researchers released their findings, Monday, from a half-century-long study on television and American culture. (more…)

Denver – Catherine McKinnon, a 21 year old English major at The University of Colorado, changed her Facebook relationship status from “It’s Complicated” to “Single” Friday.

Sources say her relationship with Greg Donovan was strained since he graduated in the spring and accepted a job in California.  Some experts have speculated that the “complicated” label reflected an attempt at a long distance relationship, while others suggested it could mean either a breakup which she decided to keep private or an experiment with an open relationship, though there is a category for “in an open relationship” under status.  However, many women on Facebook know that such a classification is pretty much an invitation for every sleazy guy out there to contact them.  The change to “Single” is considered a bold move that many Facebook women put off for months.  Dr. Elizabeth Mongomery, Professor of Facebook studies and head researcher at the Berkeley School of W00t Lolz, said “this may have been a shrewd ploy by MacKinnon to either make Donovan jealous or to free herself to pursue someone else who may be turned off by ‘It’s Complicated.’”

The result of a Google Image search for Pretty Girl.  Editors note: It was kind of depressing to look at the images the search resulted. Go read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf.  Im not positive i buy Wolfs argument 100%, but its a good reminder that beauty is constructed.

The result of a Google Image search for "Pretty Girl." Editor's note: It was kind of depressing to look at the images the search resulted. Go read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf. I'm not positive i buy Wolf's argument 100%, but it's a good reminder that beauty is constructed. This image actually comes from a Photoshop how-to on doctoring photos to look like magazines. Click on the photo to see the article. By the way, did you notice that she has boobs? Me typing that will ensure I get a few more hits from Google traffic this week.

Classmate Richard “Richie” Thayer said Friday, “Oh man, I’ve been waiting for this forever!”  Thayer said he first noticed in May when MacKinnon changed her status from “In a relationship with Greg Donovan” to “It’s Complicated.”  Sources say he waited a few days and sent MacKinnon a casual note asking what grade she had earned in a class they shared together.  “You know, I just wanted to let her know we were friends, just so she’d maybe keep me in mind.  We’ve had a few notes back and forth over the summer, and I made sure we’d signed up for some of the same classes for the fall semester, even though I’d already taken some of them,” said Thayer.

Sources indicate that Thayer is not alone and that nearly 20 casual acquaintances have increased communication with MacKinnon since her May status change, and double that number are planning to make a move in the next few days.  “The ones who sent her a message immediately could be jeopardizing the whole operation,” said Dr. Mongomery.  “It’s  tough balance.  You don’t want to be the last one to contact her, but responding too soon is really to obvious.”

Another classmate, Robert Samuelson believes he is a shoe-in to be the next “In a relationship with” for Mackinnon.  “Oh yeah, she totally digs me,” Samuelson said.  “We live like .3 of a mile apart, and she totally talked to me before class sometimes last year.  Once, we even worked on a project together, and when we met in the library with our other group partners, there was a crazy sexual tension.”  Samuelson said he plans to “poke” her in a few days, just to get some online flirting going.  “I figure I’ll tell her she’s hot, and things will just go from there,” said Samuelson, who doesn’t stand a chance.

One thing is clear according to Dr. Mongomery.  “MacKinnon will find a new “in a relationship with,” and it won’t be someone who just knows her in real life.  It’ll be someone cunning and manipulative on the internet.”

Miami Beach – Twitter CEO Evan Williams met with your grandmother Monday to discuss plans to expand her project of telling you and your family what she had for dinner and all the details of every moment of her day.

“This seems like a natural evolution of our platform,” said Williams.  “Your friends tell you where they are at all times, and you eat that shit up.  We figure there’s a very small leap between ‘stopped to get gas, guy with a mullet at the pump’ and ‘the bread was stale, and they didn’t give enough butter.’”

My actual grandmother.  I miss her.

My actual grandmother. I miss her.

Negotiations apparently stalled for several hours when your grandmother refused to agree to a limited number of characters to her message, but according to Williams, they made a major breakthrough when he suggested a compromise to continuously loop your grandmother’s input.  “While it’s true that we did expand the character limit of her messages from 140 to 54,902,726, that is must less than the infinite number she requested.  We did strike a deal to make her messages seem infinite by looping them.  One challenge our programmers will face is what we call ‘random looping.’  Most of her message will be repeated in a loop, but random looping gives her the option of changing parts of the message at random, so you really have to pay close attention in case she suddenly asks you a question about school or work or whether you’ve found someone.  It’s tricky because that’ll mix in with the story of when she used to visit her father in the factory when she was 8, and he always had a candy bar in the top drawer of his desk.”

Also on tap are plans to automatically link phrases like “great depression” or “during the war” to other sites giving patronizing summaries of these events in order to ease the burden on your grandmother, who feels it necessary to explain these things to you in great detail because she knows you couldn’t possibly understand what it was like unless you lived through it.

“We’re really proud of this new venture.  You’ll get updates from your grandmother right on your cell phone throughout the day.  If it’s raining and she decided to stay in instead of taking the bus to church for the early mass, you’ll know.  If she’s reading a book that the nice man from the bookmobile dropped off, you’ll know.  For that matter, if there’s somebody new delivering the books, you’ll never be left wondering again.”

One of the greatest advantages is that this will provide an archive for all your grandmother’s stories for you to enjoy and share with your family long after your grandmother passes away, which, according to her, will be any day now – she won’t be around forever, but she’s had a good life.  She can’t complain.  She doesn’t like getting old.  She just doesn’t have the energy she used to have.  She used to bake everyday for her children.  Pies, cakes, strudel.  She liked lemon marang, but your uncle Edgar was allergic to it, so she would only make it once in a while.  Then, when he went away to Vietnam, she used to make it all the time, but the other kids were getting older by then, and your grandfather was sick, so she stopped baking quite so much.  Sigh.  She’s had a good life.  She can’t complain.  She doesn’t like getting old.  She just doesn’t have the energy she used to have.

Seattle – Microsoft reported Saturday that popular internet browser Internet Explorer 6 is currently in therapy as a result of what is being called “a severe case of clinical depression.”ie6nomore

The browser reportedly has been experiencing feelings of helplessness and low self-esteem, especially since it discovered that people on the internet had been talking about it behind its back.  Several groups have even started IE 6 hate sites like one called IE 6 no more, which encourages physical harm to IE 6, calling it “stupid,” “fat,” and “totally a slut.”  In several states, such abusive language is considered a misdemeanor offense in laws brought on by the 2004 case of suicide by Microsoft Friendster.  “Friendster was a tragic case in which it had been so severely criticized on sites like Myspace and Facebook, that it took its own life,” said Julia Reynoso a Princeton University virtual psychologist.

CNN reported on IE 6 hate speech on Saturday in an article called “Web citizens trying to kill Internet Explorer 6.” Despite the provocative headline, there was no indication of a criminal investigation.  Acquaintances of IE 6 said that this very fact only serves to deepen the depression, giving it reason to think that it has no friends and everybody hates it.

Reports have also indicated that IE 6 has begun giving away its possessions and according to Todd Doorman of the  National Institute of Suicide Prevention, “showing most of the ten classic signs of suicidal tendencies, which include a change in personality and behavior, usually associated with slowing down as more and more java script and specialized code gives one a sense of listlessness; change in sleep patterns such as spooling your hourglass in the middle of loading what appears to be a simple page; dismissed sexual interest, such as the sluggish loading of porn sights that are just overloaded with pop-ups;  no hope for the future, which includes acknowledging that other programs and competitors have made you obsolete; and low self-esteem, such as feeling worthlessness, shame, overwhelming guilt, self-hatred, ‘everyone would be better off without me'”

  • Talking About Dying — any mention of dying, disappearing, jumping, shooting oneself, or other types of self harm.
  • Recent Loss — through death, divorce, separation, broken relationship, loss of job, money, status, self-confidence, self-esteem, loss of religious faith, loss of interest in friends, sex, hobbies, activities previously enjoyed
  • Change in Personality — sad, withdrawn, irritable, anxious, tired, indecisive, apathetic

  • Change in Behavior — can’t concentrate on school, work, routine tasks

  • Change in Sleep Patterns — insomnia, often with early waking or oversleeping, nightmares

  • Change in Eating Habits — loss of appetite and weight, or overeating

  • Diminished Sexual Interest– impotence, menstrual abnormalities (often missed periods)

  • Fear of losing control– going crazy, harming self or others

  • Low self esteem– feeling worthless, shame, overwhelming guilt, self-hatred, “everyone would be better off without me”

  • No hope for the future — believing things will never get better; that nothing will ever change