Sports


Not this kind of futbal

USA – Very large, yet surprisingly nimble, men gathered, probably in an America city, Sunday to play a game of football while perhaps tens of thousands of people watched on television, maybe more.  It was not known at press time which team scored more points in the end, nor did it matter in the grand scheme of things.

No, not like this.

According to sources, there were also lots of people interested in seeing the advertisements during breaks in the game, or something.

Somehow this is a big story, or perhaps not.  The main thing to keep in mind is that these men are both big and nimble, and some of them are quite skillful in the art of advancing a pneumatically-charged animal carcass toward a particular space at the end of the grassy area, while others are skillful at stopping them from doing so – not through critical debate on the merits of moving the object over leaving it in place, but through force.

This reporter can’t help wonder, what exactly happened in that city, and why.

No, not even this, though it is a group of men fighting over the advancement of an animal carcass across arbitrarily defined areas. That's right, this is the Afghani sport of "buzkashi," and that is a headless goat.

Cleveland – Just hours before tipoff of the NBA regular season, NBA MVP LaBron James is at the center of a stir that threatens league-wide harmony.  James told reporters Tuesday night, “We’re gonna come out and play hard.  We’re ready to compete.”  Shocked reporters asked follow-up questions, but James only added additional statements about working hard and playing “Cleveland Cavalier basketball” before saying again, “We’re ready to compete.”A brash youngster.

Paul Pierce, All Star Forward for the visiting Boston Celtics, expressed disbelief when asked about James’s bold statement.  “You know, ‘Bron’s a good guy.  I gotta think he didn’t mean anything by it, but still.  How do come out and say something like that?”

(more…)

Oslo, Norway – In a move that shocked the cool sounding international awards community, President Obama was named the recipient of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

If you're president, it looks kind of silly to concentrate on lobbing a 55 foot slowball in the dirt.  Poor guy.

“This is great news,” said Obama, “but what I’m really hoping for is the AL MVP.”  Baseball’s highest honor (unlike the National League MVP, which is largely regarded as a worthless popularity contest) has only been won by a sitting president two times: Gerald Ford in 1975 and George H. W. Bush in 1989. (more…)

Broomfield, CO – In a real story on Denver’s Local 7 News, and linked on CNN.com, a Best Buy store manager revealed the company’s standard operating procedures with regard to shoplifting, saying employees are to “[cease] pursuit of a suspected shoplifter once they exit the store.”

This is what happens when you don't run.

This is what happens when you don't run.

Shoplifting blogs are lighting up all over the internet with plans to organize mass hits on Best Buy stores across the country.

“Great joy,” one blogger said.  “Great joy.”

Stephen M., blogger on “Shoplifters of the world unite,” said, “Oh shit!”

The general consensus is that this is the revolution they’re been waiting for.  “Down with capitalism!” one blogger said, while another agreed but asked, “Why didn’t Marx prophecy this?”

Petty thieves have long known of this policy at many establishments, but to hear it stated publicly in this way is like a siren call to the proud sailors on the seas of product liberation.

This story isn’t that funny, but it might be filed under “Inspirational.”  Perhaps it will spur readers to go out and jack some shit from a “faceless corporation,” an investor owned exploitation mill.  Take that commodity fetishism! – sources say.

Stockholm – An unnamed ant (because despite their complex communication and farming abilities, ants don’t have names) shattered the world record of weight carried by an ant Monday in the Ant Olympics.

Ant carries big leaf.

Ant carries big leaf.

ant newsprint

Ant carries big leaf, 1901.

The leaf-cutter ant cut and managed to hoist a leaf weighing 303mg, topping the record set in 1901.  The previous record belonged to another unnamed ant which lifted 300mg, 100 times its own body weight.

The new record holder could not be reached for comment (because ants cannot communicate with humans), but Vince MacGee, the ant’s coach, said, “You know, that ant is a great competitor.  He really worked hard all season, and in the off-season, too, and you really got to hand it to him.  When that leaf had to be carried, he really responded like a champion and really showed the whole league he knew how to carry a leaf.  I’m really proud of him right now.  Or her.  Do ants have gender?  I don’t know.  It’s a great day!”