Washington – In a 5-4 decision handed down Thursday, the Supreme Court found The Constitution of the United States to be a direct violation of the rights of the people, a move experts say is just fucking with us.

Chief Justice John Roberts fought off a case of the giggles long enough to pose for this picture, but the delivery of ruling on the landmark case People Versus The People was a regular snickerfest.

The majority opinion, written by Chief Justice Roberts, reported that Articles I and II directly conflict with the preamble by establishing the houses of Congress and the Executive Branch, which “severely limit the rights of the people of the United States and the ability of the Federal government to establish Justice and insure domestic Tranquility.”  Roberts goes on to detail over the course of nearly 30 pages the ways in which the Federal government causes conflict and creates injustice.
He further describes the ways in which many of the amendments contradict the original document, including the 16th Amendment’s allowance of Federal government to collect taxes and the 19th Amendment’s providing women the right to vote.
Perhaps the most surprising argument in the document is that the Constitution is too long, and it’s too hard to remember the difference between the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.
Justice Stephen Breyer, the one nobody has ever heard of, wrote a boring-ass 230 page dissenting opinion referring largely to The Magna Carta and the balance between justice and Lockean fundamental principles of individual liberty.  Breyer frequently conflates The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Pledge of Allegiance, and the Neil Diamond’s 1987 hit song “Coming to America.”


Washington – The Senate passed a bill Saturday which will allow men and women in the gay community to come out as active duty service members.  The vote ends a policy dating back to the Clinton Administration which prohibited the gay and

"There have always been guys in the neighborhood where everybody just knew they were in the military. As long as they don't make a big deal out of it, nobody really cares."

lesbian community from questioning a gay man or lesbian’s military status.  Critics have held that the policy forced soldiers, seamen, and Marines to  hide their true identities, sending a message that certain lifestyles just weren’t normal or acceptable.

The Bill is being called “The Cabot Bill” after Army CPL Joseph Cabot, who was discharged from the Castro neighborhood of San Fransisco in 2001 when a roommate caught him engaged in nonsexual physical training with his drill instructor.  Cabot’s book Deadly but Silent raised awareness of the numbers of valuable community members who had been lost.  “We can’t afford to lose some our best men and women to this discriminatory practice, especially at a time when we’re fighting two wars,” Cabot said Saturday.  “I mean, of course, the hair dresser wars and the female hardware store employee wars.  We need all the stereotypical men and women we can keep if we’re ever going to win on those fronts.”

Washington – According to insiders, the small-minded abuse of honest TSA workers who are just doing their jobs is starting to pay off as Americans angered by new TSA techniques turn more and more to verbal and psychological abuse.  A report released Friday

Love it or leave it

found that homophobic slurs directed at agents administering pat-downs can increase freedom by as much as 46%, while class-based insults were found to decrease the Terrorists Winning Coefficient (TWC) by as much as 15 points.  Other methods such as jingoist rants and rank-pulling (“I was in the Air Force for 30 years.  My security clearance is higher than yours!”)  have had similar effects, though researchers reportedly will not release those numbers until next week when the Senate Subcommittee on Spoiled American Assholes (SSSAA) report is due.

Not that some complaints aren't reasonable.

Analysts  agree that angry, white, working-class men who think they’re  middle class, but who also think they’re an oppressed minority and that the nation owes them everything but who are finally learning what life is like for pretty much everyone else are mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore without whining like spoiled little babies until their privilege is restored to pre-Obama levels.  Oh, and Obama is totally taxing them to death and stealing all their liberties though taxes under Obama are actually lower than under Bush and he has done nothing to take their freedom away other than attempt to help the millions of Americans who suffer from lack of health care.

The SSSAA report requested by President Obama is likely to be released Wednesday and will offer heretofore unknown insights into the benefits of self-righteous griping, as well as the boycotting of airlines – a strategy encouraged by some pundits who don’t seem to realize that the TSA isn’t airlines’ idea.

Washington – Foreign-born insurgent fascist president Barack Hussein Obama allowed Republicans to win pick up nearly 70 seats in The House and eleven governorships, baffling critics and conspiracy nutcases, Tuesday.

“It’s clearly a ploy to make us think… uhhh… You know what, just asking that question makes you no better than Obama,” said Murray Wadsman, a Nebraskan conspiricist and author of the book Eat, Pray, Love, Obama is Satan.

So-called "president" imagines plot to destroy America.

In an Match.com profile post, Wednesday morning, Sarah Palin conceded that Obama was behind the GOP wins on election day and implicated a vast conspiracy to take away the American people’s guns.  “The LAMESTREAM media aren’t reporting that Obama tampered with ballots in all fifty states just to distract us from his plot to send his unions out to invade our homes and take our guns.  But we’re not falling for it.  Watch my new show Sarah Palin’s Alaska this fall on TLC.”

In a memo to DNC chair Tim Caine leaked to The Scallion, Obama said “Excellent.  I see our plan is well under way.  The stupid American people are falling right into our trap, no?  Soon, we will destroy them, comrade.  Allah is Great.”

What’s that?  Yes, it’s a very reliable source.  I can’t tell you.  Just somebody I know.  No!  It’s one of my contacts!  No, you can’t see the document!  Security!  Security!  Arrest this person!

Ahem.  Where were we?  Oh, yeah.  Obama’s a fascists, election results evidence of it, etc…

New York – Local residents flocked to polling stations to vote, today.  Download your iPhone and Droid apps to follow all the action.  I mean, there won’t actually be anything to report until pretty late at night, but we’ll try to make it sound like today is a huge news day by telling you all the same things we’ve been telling you for the last four months.

For example, a poll that came out five days ago, that we reported on five days ago and discussed with “experts” every day since, is really being put to the test today.   Do you see?  It’s news today that we’ve talking about the thing that is happening.

Tune in to The Scallion News Network for live, up to the minute coverage of breaking news all day.  It’s a very big news day!  Just check out our Twitter feed, which is really just us retweeting messages our viewers are sending us, saying things like “voting in Biloxi!” and “just voted!” and “waiting in line to vote.”

Oh, man, what a big news day it is today.  Really big.  Stay tuned.

Obama, Michael Bennet to destroy everything you love.

Boulder – According to Tea Party-backed senate candidate Ken Buck, a vote for incumbent Democrat Michael Bennet is a vote against the World Series.  Buck has heavily criticized Bennet’s support of the Obama agenda during the campaign, a fact Bennet has never denied.  In a speech before the  local VFW in Boulder, Wednesday, Buck told voters, “My opponent has supported Obama Care, the bailout, and raising taxes time and again.  You know he’s going to support Obama’s plan to outlaw The World Series if he’s reelected.”

One audience member was quoted as saying, “That damn Obama.  First he raises taxes, and then he cancels the World Series.  What is this world coming to?”

The Bennet campaign released a statement in response, but nobody in the audience read it, so as far as they know Michael Bennet wants to raise taxes on everyone and cancel the World Series.

Washington – President Obama issued a call to Congress, Friday, to return to the nation’s capital to authorize his declaration of thumb war.  According to Obama insiders, the President declared war on his daughter, Malia, early Friday morning amidst speculation that the younger Obama was “engaging in aggressive maneuvers,” allegedly hinting at an impending “tickle fight.”  After declaring the preemptive thumb war, Obama was told by advisers that this was beyond the limits of power since the tickle fight had not actually taken place yet.

President Obama asked Congress to authorize a thumb war by the count of four .

Obama cited Dwight Eisenhower’s 1954 declaration of war on the weeds in the Whitehouse lawn as precedent, but Attorney General Eric Holder informed the President that, in fact, Truman’s declaration was not applicable given that the crab grass had been encroaching on American soil for several months by the time talks broke down and Eisenhower enacted Presidential Authority.

Obama then immediately issued a call to Congress to return from their pre-election break and authorize thumb war.  House Minority Leader John Boehner accused the President of playing political games in an attempt to muster support for Democrats in Congress.

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