Metanews


New York – Local residents flocked to polling stations to vote, today.  Download your iPhone and Droid apps to follow all the action.  I mean, there won’t actually be anything to report until pretty late at night, but we’ll try to make it sound like today is a huge news day by telling you all the same things we’ve been telling you for the last four months.

For example, a poll that came out five days ago, that we reported on five days ago and discussed with “experts” every day since, is really being put to the test today.   Do you see?  It’s news today that we’ve talking about the thing that is happening.

Tune in to The Scallion News Network for live, up to the minute coverage of breaking news all day.  It’s a very big news day!  Just check out our Twitter feed, which is really just us retweeting messages our viewers are sending us, saying things like “voting in Biloxi!” and “just voted!” and “waiting in line to vote.”

Oh, man, what a big news day it is today.  Really big.  Stay tuned.

Note: These are real headlines from CNN, but the blurbs are made up:

If you don't use this image in your 9/11 blog post, the terrorists win.

New York – A Quinnipiac Univesity poll released Saturday revealed that as many as 61% of Americans have forgotten “9/11” in the nine years since the attacks on the World Trade Center and the the Pentagon.  According to the survey, 41% of Americans say they only vaguely recall something happening but could not say on which day it occurred while a full 50% said that they could name neither the perpetrators of the events nor the victims.  Of that 50%, one third said that they thought whatever happened that day was something that “the Democrats did,” while 20% thought it might have  been the day “Saddam Husein and Che Guevara landed on the beaches of Washington D.C on a boat called ‘The Grandma’ and began agitating a peasant uprising that would eventually lead to the overthrow of the United States Government by Barack Husein Obama.”  Quinnipiac professor Donye Wallali provided rare commentary on the poll data, pointing out that these were not options respondents could check off on a list but rather extra data spontaneously volunteered by participants in the margins of the written surveys.  “While it is highly unusual for such polls to publish unofficial findings of this sort, we felt it was necessary given the bat-shit crazy responses we received” said Wallali.  He added, “One survey actually included a six page appendix stapled onto the form which traced in minute detail the plans of Mao Tse Tung and Joseph Stalin to recruit a Kenyan man to seduce an American woman so that they could give birth to a non-American citizen who would be groomed in the most radical Muslem schools throughout Asia so that he would one day be elected to instill a puppet regime in the United States with Korea’s Kim Jong Il pulling the Socialist strings.”  Pollsters say they were surprised by the responses on a survey which simply asked two questions: “Do you remember 9/11?” and “Do these colors run?”

Experts agree that the poll reveals a need to increase mention of 9/11 in the media and in political speeches with special attention to the uses of invoking 9/11 in order to serve one’s own agenda.

Editor’s Note: The staff at the Scallion this it is our sacred duty to invoke 9/11 for our own gain.  That is why, on this anniversary of the heinous attacks on American citizens, it is necessary to take a moment to  reflect on where we are and how far we’ve come as a nation in the past nine years.  In so doing, we feel it only appropriate to resurrect the following punchline.  If you don’t forward this post to your friends, the terrorists win.  Lest we forget.  Lest we forget.

Oh, sadness.

Bike Banbourt, little-known blogger of unpopular site, went a month without blogging and nobody noticed.  How sad and lonely it is to be on the internet.

Experts agree that Morrissey was right about everything.

Internettwon, USA – Although he’s happy to see his hit counter reach quadruple digits, local blogger Bike Bancourt blogged that it comes with disappointment since all 1,000 hits came when he accidentally visited his own blog, thinking he was logged in and wouldn’t be counted.  “Sigh,” he blogged.

Generic photo of a divrse group of young people (smiling).

Generic photo of a divrse group of young people.

Akron, OH – A study conducted by some impressive sounding institution recently found that American and maybe Canadian youths are interested in, or adept at doing, something either more or less than previously thought.  Or, perhaps the study found that they are physically or emotionally different than you might think or exactly what you might think.  In any case, there’s just something about the nation’s youth that makes them a good subject for a headline and/or… let’s say… a reality television series, I guess.

An expert who headed the study or maybe just knows a little something about the study or the subject of the study or youth in general, or perhaps it’s just an expert who looks really good on camera, said, “We’ve found that youth are that thing that the study says they are.  Either that, or they’re different, and the study needs stricter controls and tougher analysis.”

A member of the nation’s youth was reached for comment and said, “I had no idea I was like that, or maybe I always knew.  Whatever.”

Regardless of the final verdict on the nation’s youth, sources say this article will be looked to as a model of journalistic whatever for generations to come.

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