Local


Sad puppy.

Madison – A local man walked down the hill Tuesday to visit the new coop on the first day of its “soft opening.”  In search of locally grown bulk vegan protein sources, he approached an employee taking notes on the state of the bulk bins.  The two reportedly spoke for several minutes before being interrupted by the local man’s good-natured professor who playfully interjected, saying, “Don’t trust this guy.”  According to sources, the local man explained that said professor shows up all over the place, telling people that.  In a move which some experts say may indicate a level of social interest, the young woman asked at which school the two academics were employed.  Witnesses told police they saw the local man gesture toward the hill, identifying the local Polytechnic Institute, rather than the women’s college several blocks in the opposite direction.  At one point, the woman indicated that she is new to the area, to which the man replied, “Oh, well.  Welcome.”

Officials have indicated that the discussion got no more personal, despite several other interactions following consultations with the bulk manager.

A follow-up visit the next day passed with no exchange.  Sources say the local man feels pretty stupid, and there is a chance he will go back to the store tomorrow and ask if the woman has determined the source of the unbleached, organic white flour.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters Wednesday that the man is unlikely to ever successfully engage in dialogue with the woman again, adding, “Even if he did, he’d eventually discover that she lives with her boyfriend, or she’s too young for him, or something like that.  Pathetic, really.”

hasslehoff

Hasslehoff-looking motherfucker.

Atlantic City – Craig Jenkins was devastated, Monday, to find that others see him as comically malformed.

“Do I really have big teeth?” Jenkins reportedly asked his wife Sherry.  “I mean, I guess when I look in the mirror, oh god…”  Sherry reportedly assured Jenkins that his teeth are fine, but his further probes forced her to reveal that the two in front are, in fact, noticeable.

“And my hair.  Is this how people see my hair?  I’m Mathew Perry to you people, aren’t I?” asked Jenkins.

Sources say Jenkins just wants to be alone for a while.  He has some things to think about.  Take stock.

Caricaturist Fernando Guillen released a comment through his publicist saying, “I regret that my drawing may have caused anguish to Mr. Jenkins.”  However, sources close to Guillen say that he is privately unapologetic to Jenkins.  One insider reported Guillen told her, “I’m not the one with the stupid-looking cleft chin.”

Sherry Jenkins told reporters she’s just glad he didn’t notice the slouch of his shoulders in the picture, much less the sunken chest and protruding gut.  “I mean, he’s not exactly an ideal physical specimen.  I don’t think he realizes that.  I’m not sure he could handle seeing it all at once.”

Experts say that Jenkins is not alone and that most people are kind of funny looking if you think about it, but especially Jenkins.  He kind of looks a little like David Hasslehoff, but don’t tell him I said that.

Brooklyn – Bike Bancourt left his partner and dogs today to move upstate, citing as his reasons his commencement of graduate school, where he will seek a Ph.D in Rhetoric and Communication at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute.  Friday morning, he packed the last of his things and quietly left his partner and dogs.

Sources say he is sad to leave, but that he has been trying to think of a humorous angle on the story for weeks.  He reportedly thought that it would be kind of funny if he told the story of Don Henley’s “New York Minute,” but he is

Cherish every precious moment, dear reader.  Cherish it.

Cherish every precious moment, dear reader. Cherish it.

worried that his audience doesn’t know the song well enough.  This is what it would look like:

“Bike got up dressed all in black went down to the station and he never came back.  They found his clothing scattered somewhere down the track, and he won’t be down on wall street in the morning.  He had a home, the love of a girl, but men get lost sometimes as years unfurl.  One day he crossed some line and he was too much in this world but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.  In a New York minute, everything can change.  In a New York minute, things can get pretty strange.”

The occasion is marked only by an oddly out of place post on his “humor” blog, which normally makes up fake stories or riffs on real stories with some crazy angle.

Instead, he offers only the image of a flower having shed all its petals to symbolize the fleeting moments we all so easily let slip through our mortal hands.

Deluth – The WWJQ evening news in Deluth aired what is being touted as a groundbreaking segment entitled “Obesity in America” Thursday during its evening and late night newscasts.  Aside from the heretofore underreported issue of obesity, the story was revolutionary in at least one other respect.  As reporter Jillian Brathwait narrated the piece with statistics of obesity rates and diseases associated with obesity, the images on the screen showed the bottom halves of overweight people.

Your mama so fat, when she sit around the house, she sit ALL the way around the house, experts say.

Your mama so fat, when she sit around the house, she sit ALL the way around the house, experts say.

Producer Zane McSweney spoke in a telephone interview saying, “we know this is unorthodox, but we just saw a story and we asked ourselves, ‘how can we really show the metro Deluth area what obesity looks like?’”  McSweney conceded that most Americans would be shocked by such images, but it was a risk that the Luthy award winning news team was willing to take.  “The people of Deluth have come to expect a certain level of hard-hitting journalism,” he said.  “You know, they still remember when we did that exposé on prescription drugs in schools back in ‘94, and we have to keep giving them that kind of innovative and important story.”

Not all members of the news team were as excited about the idea.  Cameraman Dave Willows resigned over the assignment.  “They sent me to the mall to film fat people’s asses.  I was like, fuck this, I went to NYU film school.  I should be making serious films.  I was like, okay, ‘so I go to food court and look for people whose shirts rise up a little as they walk so that you see their bellies, and then they have to pull them down a little bit as they go?’”  McSweney calls this shot, “the money shot,” adding that the story thrived on these and images of highly stressed jean shorts, which according to University of Alabama researcher Lydia Williams, are very popular amongst the obese.  “I was pleased to get the call from Mr. McSweney.  Not many news organizations have been willing to report on my research into the relationship between jeans shorts and obesity.”  According the report, Williams has found evidence that jeans shorts may actually cause obesity.

“This is just one of many surprising facts we discovered in making this story,” said Brathwait.  “Once we began to see how serious the problem is, we knew this story would be the most important work we’ve ever done.  Not many Americans have heard that obesity is a problem in America, and we thought ‘status quo be damned, we’re going to break that story, and we’re going to do it by showing the bottom halves of fat people.’”

Tacoma – Joseph Williams of Lakewood was surprised to find an unwrapped condom between the buns of his burger, Tuesday, after returning to the table where he and friends had been enjoying dinner and drinks. Reportedly, Mr. Williams should have suspected foul play when friend Randall Lipczac, also of Lakewood,  eagerly suggested he take a bite of the sandwich.  Instead, he only found the prophylactic when pulled out of the bun as he as he took said bite.

Total bros

Total bros

Sources on the scene overhead the commotion when the friends shouted a chorus of “ohhhhh.”  Additional sources say that after several minutes of laughter, Mr. Lipczac was heard to say above the noise, “Dude, you should have seen your face!”

In a press conference, Pierce County Sheriff’s Deputy Roger Graham confirmed that Mr. Williams’s face was indeed, “like this.”  Mr. Williams declined to comment.

New York – Rex Minter, a Brooklyn bicycle mechanic, web designer, and resident of Bedford Stuyvesant, knows what it’s like to be black.  Minter, who is just one of a couple nonblack people on his block, and the only white person in his building,

Minter on his stupid high bike that's really hard to ride

Minter on his stupid high bike that's really hard to ride

has been living in the notoriously poor, black neighborhood since August.  He and his black girlfriend often hang out on the stoop in front of the brownstone in which they rent the two bedroom second floor apartment for $1700 per month.  On several occasions, he has been reported to smile at children playing on the sidewalk and even bid hello to passing black men.

Neighbors say they have heard him, when not listening to Beck, Coldplay, or Radiohead, blasting Dead Prez and Talib Kweli out his window but could not comment on whether or not he was “down,” as he claimed to a fellow customer at the Nostrand Avenue convenience store where he purchased the “Obama ‘08” poster displayed in his bedroom window facing the street.

Neighbors could also not confirm that he was “down with Malcolm” or that his hatred of police officers reflects a true understanding of the struggle for freedom of American Americans.  According to sources, at least one neighbor engaged in a minor scuffle with Minter over claims that he made to the effect of “It ain’t about where you stand; it’s about the motherland” and “I’m an African, I’m an African, and I know what’s happening.”  The disagreement became volatile when he went on to ask, “Are you African?  Are you African?  Do you know what’s happening?”

A frequent visitor of Minter’s apartment, Dave Tanner, of Bushwick, confirmed that he and Minter often consider pouring out 40’s for their homies and smoking mad weed.