Living


Washington – The Senate passed a bill Saturday which will allow men and women in the gay community to come out as active duty service members.  The vote ends a policy dating back to the Clinton Administration which prohibited the gay and

"There have always been guys in the neighborhood where everybody just knew they were in the military. As long as they don't make a big deal out of it, nobody really cares."

lesbian community from questioning a gay man or lesbian’s military status.  Critics have held that the policy forced soldiers, seamen, and Marines to  hide their true identities, sending a message that certain lifestyles just weren’t normal or acceptable.

The Bill is being called “The Cabot Bill” after Army CPL Joseph Cabot, who was discharged from the Castro neighborhood of San Fransisco in 2001 when a roommate caught him engaged in nonsexual physical training with his drill instructor.  Cabot’s book Deadly but Silent raised awareness of the numbers of valuable community members who had been lost.  “We can’t afford to lose some our best men and women to this discriminatory practice, especially at a time when we’re fighting two wars,” Cabot said Saturday.  “I mean, of course, the hair dresser wars and the female hardware store employee wars.  We need all the stereotypical men and women we can keep if we’re ever going to win on those fronts.”

Burbank, CA – Local man Jim Hoffman was devastated Monday to discover his life featured on the popular humiliation-based internet site failblog.org.  “I usually visit that site a couple times a day,” said the 38 year old insurance claims adjuster. “I get a chuckle out of kids falling off trampolines and old people driving really badly, but this was different.”

Jim Hoffman, all around pitiful human being.

Hoffman, who has been living alone since his wife left him in 2002, told reporters he thought he was doing okay in life.  “I mean, I have a pretty good job.  I’m paying off my house on time.  I get exercise on weekends.  I guess I never really stepped back to look at the big picture.”

Experts agree Hoffman will almost certainly live out the rest of his life without ever knowing love or experiencing any sort of significant joy.  “It was only a matter of time before Mr. Hoffman realized the hollowness of his life and the pathetic nature of the simple pleasures in which he has taken comfort for many years” said Angelina Lopez-Williams, of the McCarther Institute for Fail Studies at The University of California Irvine.  “Our research indicates that even now, having discovered his life mocked on a popular website, even now he has only caught a glimpse of the utter pointlessness of his professional and personal lives.  He’s only at about 4.7 on the Arnold Self-Awareness Scale (named after former Rosanne Barr spouse Tom Arnold).”

Hoffman plans to purchase a fast car and is considering getting a tattoo in attempt to regain some vitality in life, but Lopez-Williams cautions against optimism.  “It is very unlikely that Mr. Hoffman’s life could be salvaged from the depths of failure.  On the contrary, if he’s not careful, there is a good chance he’ll soon find his life on thereifixedit.failblog.org.  The flashy sports car is nothing more than the duct tape of the middle age man world.”

Sad puppy.

Madison – A local man walked down the hill Tuesday to visit the new coop on the first day of its “soft opening.”  In search of locally grown bulk vegan protein sources, he approached an employee taking notes on the state of the bulk bins.  The two reportedly spoke for several minutes before being interrupted by the local man’s good-natured professor who playfully interjected, saying, “Don’t trust this guy.”  According to sources, the local man explained that said professor shows up all over the place, telling people that.  In a move which some experts say may indicate a level of social interest, the young woman asked at which school the two academics were employed.  Witnesses told police they saw the local man gesture toward the hill, identifying the local Polytechnic Institute, rather than the women’s college several blocks in the opposite direction.  At one point, the woman indicated that she is new to the area, to which the man replied, “Oh, well.  Welcome.”

Officials have indicated that the discussion got no more personal, despite several other interactions following consultations with the bulk manager.

A follow-up visit the next day passed with no exchange.  Sources say the local man feels pretty stupid, and there is a chance he will go back to the store tomorrow and ask if the woman has determined the source of the unbleached, organic white flour.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters Wednesday that the man is unlikely to ever successfully engage in dialogue with the woman again, adding, “Even if he did, he’d eventually discover that she lives with her boyfriend, or she’s too young for him, or something like that.  Pathetic, really.”

New York – According to a recent Yale University study released Tuesday, somebody should clean out the vegetable crisper soon because it’s making the whole refrigerator smell bad, and every time somebody opens the door, the kitchen stinks.  Sources have indicated that people should stop going to the farmer’s market and buying all that produce that they never eat just because it’s hip to buy locally grown food.  The study found that, Jesus Christ, there are five big cucumbers in there from each of the past five weeks.  They’re all just oozing this disgusting white puss.  The report further revealed that a produce bag containing red leaf lettuce has been leaking a brown liquid into the bottom of the refrigerator for weeks.  Further, Jesus Christ, am I the only one who sees this?  Who eats brussel sprouts?  Nobody.  “Stop doing buying this stuff,” sources say, adding, “god, I can’t wait to get my own place.”

Washington – After eight years of Democrats whining about President Bush’s supposed illegitimate presidency and fascist policies, the Republican party is now getting its chance to act like babies.  Following President Obama’s signing into law of health reform, Republicans across the country are taking to the streets with their proverbial diapers full of dimwitted patriotic rhetoric.  Said one protester in Baton Rouge, “Whahhhhh, Whahhhhhhh, I want my Reagan!”

White people of a certain age gather to whine about the perceived loss of privilege.

Meanwhile, in upstate New York and in several other locations around the country, temper tantrums have resulted in smashed windows and threats of violence at congressional offices.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters, Wednesday, “Nanny, nanny boo-boo!”

Experts agree, this is all about a single health care reform law!  Whether it’s a good law or not, whether it’s going to reduce the deficit by 1% over 10 years or increase it by 1% over 10 years, it’s really not worth all the crying!  Come on, people! Experts say.

Insiders are quick to point out that the GOP’s rhetoric is slightly more ridiculous than that of the left when it was Bush whose picture had little Hitler mustaches pasted on it.  “The principle difference,” observed Bartholomew J. Finklefoot of the <insert made up organization name>, “is that whereas the Democrats were sure that the Republicans were the pure manifestation of evil eight years ago, now it is the – and this is where it gets difficult to follow, so pay close attention – now it is the Democrats who are pure evil and the republicans who are fighting to save the world.”

Adding a somber note to the debates was Joseph W. Pepperbottom of – I don’t know – Americans for Truth (What?  That’s actually the name of an organization?   Wow.  That is truly generic).  Pepperbottom cautioned readers of his blog, Wednesday, “When will you all realize that the Republicrats are all just puppets of the Jews!!?”

Sigh.  If only this were funny, sources say.

Editor’s note: This stupid little blog used to be about absurdity, but it’s hard to top the absurdity of protest rhetoric on either side.

Columbus, OH – White people gathered in Columbus, Monday, to demonstrate how shitty they can be, principally by taunting a man with Parkinson’s Disease.  According to witnesses, the privileged, white, middle class (and those deluded into thinking that working class is the middle class and so they work very, very hard to earn enough money to own fancy houses in the suburbs and mid-size sedans with luxuy features that make them feel like they’re living the American dream when in fact they have developed high blood pressure, diabetes, and loveless marriages in pursuit of their lives of tax-hating, self-righteous privilege), heterosexual Christian, mostly males erupted in fits of self-righteous rage largely centered around opposition to President Obama’s communist plot to destroy America.  Experts agree that they managed to effectively perpetuate their distortion of the debate over the mediocre, at best, congressional health proposals.

Dr. Leona Portwaithe, of the Center for White Male Studies at Ohio State University, told reporters, “White people, especially white males, are shitty.”  Portwaithe’s recent study in Privileged Fucks Quarterly, the journal of the International Shitty People Studies Association, reported on her decades-long research on the paranoid, self-righteous privilege-mongers.  Among the notable findings of the unprecedented study were revelations in the field regarding white males’ obsession with capitalism and the beliefs gleaned from 1950s sitcoms.  According to the report, “We found that white males tended to idealize the narratives of the historical grounding of American exceptionalism in the individualistic notions of the free market economy confabulated with the legacy of the sense of duty descended from World War II mobilization.  As a result of the hegemonic othering of marginalized peoples, they tend to be shitty, shitty people.   Just terrible people.”

Dr. Portwaithe suggested that this recent outburst is just a small illustration of how shitty they can be.  “Unfortunately,” she told reporters, “the consequence of their shittiness is that it makes rational-critical debate, the very fundamental force of Habermas’s public sphere, impossible on what is actually a piss-poor example of government bureaucracy.  Because the debate turns to their shittiness, we are distracted from the discussion that they really want to have, and one we should all have: honest, important discussions of the weaknesses of this bill and the ineffectiveness of Congress.”

Experts agree that it’s really hard to talk about the bill without turning to how shitty white people are.  Reached for comment, white people told reporters, “Obama is a communist!”

Recent polls by the PEW Center and the University of Michigan show that the American people are neatly divided along ideological and race lines on the shittiness of white people.

Experts, however, now say it is no longer theoretical and that white people are beyond a doubt, shitty.

Valenzuela throwing a baseball sometime in the past.

Los Angeles – In a sad week for Hollywood which saw the loss of beloved figures Merlin Olsen, Corey Haim, and Nan Martin, one celebrity was especially vocal in remembering Haim.  “I thought he died twenty years ago,” said former Dodgers star pitcher Fernando Valenzuela, appearing on The Scallion News Network’s This Week With Alan Barstow.  “Was he in Goonies?”  An emotional Valenzuela eventually realized that Haim was best known for his role in Lost Boys, not Stand By Me, the Fox series 24, or The Breakfast Club, confusing Haim with Corey Feldman twice, Kiefer Sutherland, and finally Molly Ringwald.  “Ohhhh, that guy, yeah.  I’m really gonna miss him,” said a heartfelt Valenzuela.  “I think this really puts things in perspective, you know?  I mean, if it could happen to Corey Feldman, it could happen to anyone,” said Valenzuela before being reminded again that it was Haim rather than Feldman who had died.  “Well, at least they can be together now,” he added, apparently assuming Feldman had already died.

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