Denver – Catherine McKinnon, a 21 year old English major at The University of Colorado, changed her Facebook relationship status from “It’s Complicated” to “Single” Friday.

Sources say her relationship with Greg Donovan was strained since he graduated in the spring and accepted a job in California.  Some experts have speculated that the “complicated” label reflected an attempt at a long distance relationship, while others suggested it could mean either a breakup which she decided to keep private or an experiment with an open relationship, though there is a category for “in an open relationship” under status.  However, many women on Facebook know that such a classification is pretty much an invitation for every sleazy guy out there to contact them.  The change to “Single” is considered a bold move that many Facebook women put off for months.  Dr. Elizabeth Mongomery, Professor of Facebook studies and head researcher at the Berkeley School of W00t Lolz, said “this may have been a shrewd ploy by MacKinnon to either make Donovan jealous or to free herself to pursue someone else who may be turned off by ‘It’s Complicated.’”

The result of a Google Image search for Pretty Girl.  Editors note: It was kind of depressing to look at the images the search resulted. Go read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf.  Im not positive i buy Wolfs argument 100%, but its a good reminder that beauty is constructed.

The result of a Google Image search for "Pretty Girl." Editor's note: It was kind of depressing to look at the images the search resulted. Go read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf. I'm not positive i buy Wolf's argument 100%, but it's a good reminder that beauty is constructed. This image actually comes from a Photoshop how-to on doctoring photos to look like magazines. Click on the photo to see the article. By the way, did you notice that she has boobs? Me typing that will ensure I get a few more hits from Google traffic this week.

Classmate Richard “Richie” Thayer said Friday, “Oh man, I’ve been waiting for this forever!”  Thayer said he first noticed in May when MacKinnon changed her status from “In a relationship with Greg Donovan” to “It’s Complicated.”  Sources say he waited a few days and sent MacKinnon a casual note asking what grade she had earned in a class they shared together.  “You know, I just wanted to let her know we were friends, just so she’d maybe keep me in mind.  We’ve had a few notes back and forth over the summer, and I made sure we’d signed up for some of the same classes for the fall semester, even though I’d already taken some of them,” said Thayer.

Sources indicate that Thayer is not alone and that nearly 20 casual acquaintances have increased communication with MacKinnon since her May status change, and double that number are planning to make a move in the next few days.  “The ones who sent her a message immediately could be jeopardizing the whole operation,” said Dr. Mongomery.  “It’s  tough balance.  You don’t want to be the last one to contact her, but responding too soon is really to obvious.”

Another classmate, Robert Samuelson believes he is a shoe-in to be the next “In a relationship with” for Mackinnon.  “Oh yeah, she totally digs me,” Samuelson said.  “We live like .3 of a mile apart, and she totally talked to me before class sometimes last year.  Once, we even worked on a project together, and when we met in the library with our other group partners, there was a crazy sexual tension.”  Samuelson said he plans to “poke” her in a few days, just to get some online flirting going.  “I figure I’ll tell her she’s hot, and things will just go from there,” said Samuelson, who doesn’t stand a chance.

One thing is clear according to Dr. Mongomery.  “MacKinnon will find a new “in a relationship with,” and it won’t be someone who just knows her in real life.  It’ll be someone cunning and manipulative on the internet.”


Broomfield, CO – In a real story on Denver’s Local 7 News, and linked on CNN.com, a Best Buy store manager revealed the company’s standard operating procedures with regard to shoplifting, saying employees are to “[cease] pursuit of a suspected shoplifter once they exit the store.”

This is what happens when you don't run.

This is what happens when you don't run.

Shoplifting blogs are lighting up all over the internet with plans to organize mass hits on Best Buy stores across the country.

“Great joy,” one blogger said.  “Great joy.”

Stephen M., blogger on “Shoplifters of the world unite,” said, “Oh shit!”

The general consensus is that this is the revolution they’re been waiting for.  “Down with capitalism!” one blogger said, while another agreed but asked, “Why didn’t Marx prophecy this?”

Petty thieves have long known of this policy at many establishments, but to hear it stated publicly in this way is like a siren call to the proud sailors on the seas of product liberation.

This story isn’t that funny, but it might be filed under “Inspirational.”  Perhaps it will spur readers to go out and jack some shit from a “faceless corporation,” an investor owned exploitation mill.  Take that commodity fetishism! – sources say.

New York – The New York Museum of Art, Science, and History (NYMASH) plans to unveil what curators around the world have heralded as, “the single greatest, most shocking exhibit ever displayed” to the public starting August 11th.

"Oh, wow.  Those are real bones?  No?  Just casts of real bones?  Now I'm even more disappointed."

"Oh, wow. Those are real bones? No? Just casts of real bones? Now I'm even more disappointed."

Teachers from all over the northeast are already planning to drag their students to the museum for day-long fieldtrips on which the parent chaperons will do most all the work while the teacher quietly steps into Central Park to enjoy a day free from their soul-crushing job.

Oblivious kid next to a replica of the kind of hat sort of like the kind Lincoln wore a couple of times.  Shirt reads: "Now Accepting Hot Girlfriends." Priceless.

Oblivious kid next to a replica of the kind of hat sort of like the kind Lincoln wore a couple of times. Shirt reads: "Now Accepting Hot Girlfriends." Priceless.

Parents and teachers alike will only half-heartedly fake enthusiasm.  Experts agree that school children who are forced to look at the exhibit will show little to no interest.  Only the really weird kids will have fun, excluding the bus trip, which everybody knows is even better than having a substitute teacher.  Many children will explore the the shallow waters of their budding sexuality on these fieldtrips.

Pretentious intellectuals feign interest is some shitty exhibit

Pretentious intellectuals feign interest is some shitty exhibit

Sources reveal that the exhibit cost the museum and its benefactors, including the Alfred J. Mueller Foundation for Grand Displays of Things Nobody Cares About and a federal grant from the National Endowment for Whatever, over $2.3B just to procure the rights to the display and fund the special curatorial staff.

Reports did mention the details of the exhibit, such as the domain in which it falls (Art, Science, or History) and what it actually is, but whatever it was, I didn’t bother writing it down because, seriously, it’s a museum exhibit.  Who cares?

Cyberscape (Enid, OK) – A new blog was posted to the internet on Wednesday, sources say.  According to the International Association of Internet Users, “the site will “vastly improve the interweb (a series of tubes, not a dump truck).”  According to internet other enthusiasts like Jake Wellborn, “the site  features satirical (fake) news stories from a sarcastic and even nihilistic point of view, just the kind of cutting edge humor that has been lacking in the public discourse.”

Blogs are on computers

Blogs are on computers

Cyberspace, long believed to be only “virtually” real, was discovered early last spring to actually be located entirely in the small town of Enid, OK.  In April, Enid mayor Thelma Wilson explained of the activity in the old Pilsbury grain processing plants, “we didn’t really know what was going on in those abandoned buildings for the past 15 years, but we’re glad to host the internet.”  When reached for comment yesterday, Wilson admitted, “we didn’t really like the internet that much until we found out about this new blog.”

President Obama called a press conference this morning and while wiping tears from his eyes said, “I think this really shows the kind of ingenuity that makes America great and makes Americans capable of almost anything.  With this new blog, America will forge into the future better prepared for the challenges that lie ahead.  This is nothing short of the greatest moment in history, and there has never been a better time to be an American.”  To illustrate his point, the president spit on a 225 year old painting of George Washington.

Analysts said that the site received 28 hits on its first day, which Fox News Cahnnel’s Sean Hannity called, “as unprecedented success which forces us to reevaluate our relationship to the internet, the universe, and each other.”  MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann then appeared on Hannity’s program and agreed saying, this new blog “Came out of nowhere!  What a visionary the creator must be!”  The two rivals then embraced for several minutes, finding common ground in the fundamental love of all humanity brought on by the appearance this new blog.