Headline Riffs

A screen shot of CNN.com headlines


Actual headlines from CNN, September 22nd.

Latest news – CNN, we stay up later than any of those other networks!

  • Court requests halt to ‘don’t ask’ – Recommends upholding “Don’t Tell.”
  • Dems: No tax cut vote before elections – Democrats today were expected to vote on tax cuts that would have applied to all income by all Americans up to $250,000, but they decided against it, saying, “How are we going to blow this election if we pass legislation that helps 99% of Americans?”  Adding, “I dabbled in voodoo in high school” and “DO NOT VOTE FOR US.  WE DO NOT WANT TO MAINTAIN MAJORITIES IN THE HOUSE AND SENATE.”
  • Delegates walk out on Ahmadinejad – Delegates packed their bags and walked out on Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad, today, saying only, “I’ve gone to stay with my mother” in a note left on the stove.  The dejected Ahmadinejad, who had just gone to the gym to work the treadmill, reportedly exclaimed, “Oh, god why?  Didn’t I say all the right things?  Death to Israel?  America is the great satan?  What more could I have done?  I suppressed all the opposition speech.  I imprisoned citizens for no reason.  What more could I have done?  Oh, delegates, what did I ever do to deserve losing you?”
  • Iran leader recounts 9/11 rumors – The extremely tight race will likely come down to absentee rumors.
  • Protesters call Ahmadinejad ‘murderer’ – Because he executes his own citizens for stupid shit like adultery and opposing his illegitimate government and the shitty Ayatollah.  Ayatollah once already, stoning women for adultery is really shitty.  Mahmud gets a little depressed when I think about it.
  • Shooting survivor: ‘Mom’s gone crazy’ – CBS announced the return of the popular series, Survivor, Thursday, announcing it has begun filming a new season of 26 episodes featuring two dozen mothers who are crazy.
  • Pastor says he’ll answer allegations – through prayer.
  • Facebook back up after another outage – Millions of hipsters pretend not to be relieved.
  • $42B OK’d for businesses CNNMoney – The USDA, today, called off the recall of $42B initiated earlier this week after salmonella was discovered in a Goldman Sachs hedge fund.  According to the USDA, the money has been determined safe for business consumption, and the American people should see an immediate return to normal practices as financial institutions bait them with barely legal scams and crush their hopes and dreams like so many Fabergé eggs dropped from their golden towers.
  • Diplomat’s throat slashed in N.Y. – OH GOD!  THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE!  Wait, was it Ahmadinejad?  No.  No, even that would be terrible.  Who slashes somebody’s throat?  I mean, come on!  That’s really, really gruesome.  I could see slapping Ahmadinejad around a little bit, oh, or stoning him within  an inch of his life, but slashing his throat?  No, I could never.   I mean, what kind of barbarian does  something like that?  Oh, maybe it was Ahmadinejad who slashed somebody’s throat.  Maybe the diplomat was an adulterer.  Yeah, because then it would be perfectly justified for him to do something like that.  I mean, if the adulterer in question was a woman, that is.
  • Avandia use restricted in U.S. – These words probably have some meaning when put together, but I can’t get past the first one, so forget it.
  • Study: Bees can get buzzed, too Time – How much time and money was put into this study just to make that pun?
  • Deflation? Not buying it CNNMoney – Albuquerque, NM – Local man, Leo Williams, placed an “out of business” sign in the window of his balloon popping shop, today, marking the end of an era.  The family business had been passed through four generations of the Williams family, surviving The Depression and Reaganomics only to be lost to the post-Bush/Obama recession.  “I guess people just don’t have the confidence to bring their balloons to a professional to be popped, anymore,” said Williams.  “I think people are just hanging onto their balloons as long as they can because who knows if they’ll even have balloons tomorrow? Plus, with the internet, people are learning that they can pop their own balloons.  It’s a sad day for the Williams family.”
  • Ticker: Republican takes on heckler – “Na-uhh!”
  • Heart’s Wilson divorces Crowe People – Now, here is another headline in which the words don’t seem to work together.  Should it be “Wilson’s heart divorces Crowe?”  I assume so, and I assume it is an article about Freddy Wilson, of the Village People, finally giving up his longtime pining for Russell Crowe.  It is, after all, just his heart that did the divorcing.  It’s not like they were actually married.  That is what I assume, anyway.
  • Warren Buffett on Jay-Z: Learn from him – Warren Buffett climbed on Jay-Z’s back today and rode him like a pony.  The author of this article thinks we should learn from Buffett.  We should all be riding Jay-Z like a pony.
  • Jon Stewart ‘saddened’ by Obama – Somehow, this qualifies as news.
  • Man hid in dumpster, got compacted – Was it Ahmadinejad?   No?  Okay.  Then it’s just sad.  Also, it’s kind of funny, but not really.  Just picture it as a cartoon, and the guy is fine.  He can talk, and one arm is sticking out, but he has to live the rest of his life as a cube of trash.
  • Cops look for cat-killing criminals – This vigilante cat has been on the loose for weeks, killing criminals.
  • Cows watch TV, produce more milk – Milk is disgusting.  Do you know how much puss and blood are permitted in dairy products by the FDA?  A lot of puss and blood.  Yeah, I know.  Milk  is really disgusting.
  • This Just In: CNN’s news blog – Don’t be fooled.  They’ve had this blog running for five years.

I hope somebody reads this.  It’s a lot of fun to do.

Actual headlines from FoxNews.com.

Screen shot from CNN.com 9-5-10.

Four members of an Uruguayan rugby team who survived a plane crash and inspired the book and movie “Alive” offer their support to trapped miners in Chile. “Thigh meat can be really tough, but if you marinate it long enough, the payoff makes it totally worth it,” said a spokesperson for the group.  Adding, “Om nom nom.”

  • Families remember mine collapse “Yeah, of course I remember it!  It was like a week ago.  What kind of a question is that?  Do I remember the mine  collapse?  What’s the matter with you?”
  • Gallery of trapped miners The Madison, WI indi band will open for Sunny Day Real Estate on their comeback tour next summer.

Latest news

  • Cops: Man imprisoned family for year Like all men do, emotionally.
  • Group: Iranian woman set for 99 lashes Mahnaz Daneshvar, of Jajarm, is set to be the first Iranian to receive a life-saving eyelash transplant.
  • Steven Slater, JetBlue part ways Steven Slater arrived in Omaha, Saturday, where he safely deplaned and proceeded through B terminal, effectively parting ways with Jet Blue, adding, “Yeah, it was a nice flight.”
  • U.S., South Korea delay joint exercises Plans to hit the gym together were delayed again, Saturday, when South Korea realized it had to pick its kid up at soccer practice.  This, following the U.S.’s cancellation of plans last week because the van was reportedly making a noise, and Saturday was the only time it would have a chance to bring it in.  “We’ll go next week,” assured South Korea.  “Yeah, definitely,” responded the U.S., who joined the gym last winter with plans to work off those extra holiday pounds in the midsection but who have only gone once and just shot hoops for a few minutes then walked one mile on the  treadmill, and that was it.
  • Craigslist censors its adult section Children’s section remains uncensored and full of the most heinous smut imaginable.
  • New Zealand region on edge after quake Literally.  There is a huge chasm in the ground, and this region is on the edge of it.
  • Earl lashes Canada after skirting U.S. U.S. secretly hurt that Earl didn’t even bother stopping to say hi.  “Uncle Earl was always my favorite,” said the U.S.  “I always knew Canada was his favorite, but I really would’ve like to see him.”
  • Peace Corps volunteer killed in Lesotho There’s nothing funny about that.
  • Opinion: Reporting Ariz. to U.N. correct The words in this headline don’t make sense together.
  • Man missing three months calls home “Have you seen my three months?  I can’t find them anywhere,” said Darryl Meekly, who just can’t remember where he left his three months.
  • Osteoporosis drugs linked to cancer? No.  (Tune in next week for the next installment of CNN’s 7,992,003,626, 1274 part series, “What Is and What Isn’t Linked to Cancer,” when we take a look at thumbtacks.)
  • Ticker: Oval Office makeover mistake? Republican lawmakers are blasting the Obama Administration’s decision to go with pink drapes and shag carpeting.  “The American people need jobs right now,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner.  “They don’t need a rug they can walk around barefoot on – even though I’m sure it feels heavenly between their toes.”
  • Lohan, ShamWow guy team up There is no need to riff this.