Valenzuela throwing a baseball sometime in the past.

Los Angeles – In a sad week for Hollywood which saw the loss of beloved figures Merlin Olsen, Corey Haim, and Nan Martin, one celebrity was especially vocal in remembering Haim.  “I thought he died twenty years ago,” said former Dodgers star pitcher Fernando Valenzuela, appearing on The Scallion News Network’s This Week With Alan Barstow.  “Was he in Goonies?”  An emotional Valenzuela eventually realized that Haim was best known for his role in Lost Boys, not Stand By Me, the Fox series 24, or The Breakfast Club, confusing Haim with Corey Feldman twice, Kiefer Sutherland, and finally Molly Ringwald.  “Ohhhh, that guy, yeah.  I’m really gonna miss him,” said a heartfelt Valenzuela.  “I think this really puts things in perspective, you know?  I mean, if it could happen to Corey Feldman, it could happen to anyone,” said Valenzuela before being reminded again that it was Haim rather than Feldman who had died.  “Well, at least they can be together now,” he added, apparently assuming Feldman had already died.


Los Angeles – The former front man of 1980s New Wave band The Smiths released his ninth solo studio album, Years of Refusal, in 2009.  Experts are now starting to agree that album is, in fact, a bummer.  “The songs are great, don’t get me wrong, and you know, we expect a certain amount of melancholy from the man who composed such songs as ‘Everyday Is Like Sunday’ and ‘Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,’ but this time around, he’s really bummed us out,” said Seth Daniels of Rolling Stone.

Eeven when I smile, it's 'cause I'm sad.

Daniels acknowledged, however, that it’s pretty awesome when Morrissey says stuff like, “I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out. Thank you, drop dead.”  “Yeah,” said Daniels, “that is pretty awesome.”

The buzz on fan sites has recently focused on the opinion that songs like “Black Cloud,” “It’s Not Your Birthday Anymore,” and “Sorry Doesn’t Help” are just really, really sad.  One blogger noted that “I thought ‘I’m Throwing My Arms around Paris’ was gonna be a big happy song, but it’s like, ‘because only stone and steel accept my love!’  Come on!”

Another blogger added, “Yeah, it’s like, ‘I’ve been in a steady state of depression since about 1987 when I first heard ‘I wear black on the outside ‘cause black is how I feel on the inside.’  Give me SOMETHING here, bro!’” Others have thought that “I’m Okay by Myself” would be a positive song, but it’s not.

“‘When I Last Spoke to Carol,’ ‘You Were Good in Your Time,’ ‘Mama Lay Softly on the Riverbed’ are all about dead people.  Come on!” said Dana Liebowitz, chair of the Morrissey Studies program at the University of California, San Diego.  Liebowitz, however, pointed out that this shouldn’t come as a surprise.  “I mean, if you think about it, the world is a terrible place full of selfish, hurtful people.  There really is no love in modern life.  What’s the point of going on?  What’s the point of going on?”

Liebowitz’s research assistant, Celia Martinez-Caucho, added, “Sorrow will come in the end.  Only sorrow.”

Vacaville, CA – An actual, real life, not-intended-to-be-ironic, video made by young members of an actual Christian Youth Group recently put on a live performance advocating for a new style of hug designed to combat the sinful “front hug,” which has wreaked so much havoc around the world.  Experts agree that the “side hug” will soon sweep the nation, thanks largely to the really cool hip hop song and kickin’ dance moves seen on the YouTube video of the group’s performance at a recent conference.  Experts also lamented that many of the cheers in the crowd were other than derisive and sarcastic.

Palo Alto, CA – Cultural Studies researchers at Stanford University confirmed Monday that American culture has officially passed into absurdity and is likely to soon be cancelled.The Fonz literally jumped over a shark.  We're not sure why.  It just seemed like a good plot line at the time, I guess.

Researcher Allayn Cullen told reporters that “America is just trying too hard at this point.  There comes a time in every TV show’s life that it just has to recognize that no crazy gimmicks will restore the program to its former success.”

Fellow researcher Carroll Mathewson agreed, adding, “I mean, America elected a black president.  In cultural terms, that’s no different than The Cosby Show adding Raven Simone to the cast when Rudy got too old to be cute.  I think we all knew this wasn’t a good sign, and, of course, we all knew little raven would wear out her cute before long.” (more…)

Los Angeles – The Los Angeles County Coroner released a statement Friday that the King of Pop, Michael Jackson’s, death was ruled a Regicide, the term for assassination of a monarch.

Former Vice President Gore (left) House Speaker Pelosi (center) preside on Death Panel for unidentified young woman.

Former Vice President Gore (left) and House Speaker Pelosi (center) preside on Death Panel for unidentified young woman who dared question Obama's authority.

Following the discovery that Senator Ted Kennedy’s death was ordered by an Obama Death Panel, Los Angeles county investigators sought leads and soon confirmed that Jackson’s, too, was a Death Panel killing.  Head investigator Tony Amorino said Friday, “It appears that Jackson had opted for ‘end of life consultation.’  There is no way of knowing if he was aware that ‘consultation’ is an Obama euphemism for ‘Death Panel,’ but we are now certain that the King of Pop’s death was politically motivated.”

According to officials, the investigation has now been suspended since, under the Obama administration, we all surrender to the tyranny of big government as the one supreme leader exercises his boundless power to eliminate rivals (such as the monarchy) and build his socialist utopia on the backs of the people.

Sources say Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Robert Novak, Les Paul, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, John Hughes, and countless others (for a complete list, see Wikipedia’s “Deaths in 2009” plus all local obituaries – at this point, it’s safe to assume all deaths are part of Obama’s fiendish plot).

Sources also say we must resist by bringing guns to town hall meetings.  Michael Jackson would have wanted it that way.

Wasilla – In a surprise move that has comedians reeling, Sarah Palin announced Wednesday that she plans to appear on Fox’s hit program, “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?”

Fox’s official statement said that this was a natural move following their success giving former GOP Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee his own show.  According to network insiders, “the formula seemed right, though we didn’t have any open slots for her, so we decided to go with the next best fit.”

Republican strategist Arvid Mellman said on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Mathews, “This is a brilliant strategy by both Governor Palin and the Newscorp (owner of both The Fox Television Network and The Fox News Network).  It gives them a chance to add some conservative muscle to their daily programming, and for Governor Palin, it’s a chance to advance her political views outside the confines of elected office, which, I think we can all agree, is not the place for such nonsense.”

Democratic strategist Marcia St. James agreed, saying, “I think it’s pretty clear that Palin has her eyes set on 2012.  She’s done the elected politics thing, and now she’s moved on to her next, frankly, conquest.  Frankly, the Democratic Party has to be pretty concerned about this.”

One Palin confidante indicated that the announcement comes on the heels of some major media victories for Palin in the past several months, hinting that the real target is “the media perception of her, especially that shaped by the late night talk show circuit.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Comedy Central’s The Daily Show with Jon Stewart said the move “smacks of a challenge to our better judgments.”  NBC’s Conan O’Brien released a statement saying “I don’t trust it, and frankly I think it’s a trap” while David Letterman added in a seven minute monologue on his show, “I wish nothing but the best for Governor Palin, who is a fine public servant and deserves the utmost respect.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Jeff Foxworthy

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin

One comedian and blogger, Elizabeth McNeil, attempted to run a joke about the announcement, writing, “Palin and Foxworthy can finally get hitched.”  Readers of the blog, however, were quick to heckle with comments like, “You Suck,” “Is that even a joke?”, and “If you think suggesting the ‘you might be a redneck’ guy and the ‘you betcha’ woman is all it takes to make people laugh, you might not be funny.”

Since leaving office a week ago, Palin has been fairly secretive about her post gubernatorial (a funny word) plans but has hinted on several occasions that they hinge largely on the success of her crazy old scientist friend and his time traveling Delorean.  Also, she thinks living near remote Russian islands gives her foreign policy experience!  That one may never lose its appeal.

Newton-le-Willows, England – In a month and a half stretch that saw the deaths of ’80’s stars Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Carl Malden, and that guy that sold cleaning products, the pop world was stunned on Sunday by news that Rick Astley was found in his apartment in England, alive at 43.

Astley is best known for his 1987 mega-hit single “Never Gonna Give up on You,” which won Best British Single at the 1988 Brit Awards (Really?  There’s a Brit Awards?  Did I make that up?).  Younger fans remember Rick best for his 2007 Youtube users who shared the video for the song virulently in a process known as “Rickrolling.”

Astley, who claims he made a comeback that year, told reporters, “As you can see, I’m still alive.  I’m even still performing.  I’ll be appearing at the Metro Western Grand Hotel in Leeds on August 14th.”  Astley leaves behind his wife, Lene Bausager, their daughter, Julie, and millions of adoring fans, several of whom enjoy his music nonironically.  Apparently, there will be a service at Metro Western Grand Hotel in Leeds on August 14th, though the details are unclear.