Tallahassee – Alex Bryzciak spent the summer growing a goatee in the hopes of improving his social standing for the new school year, but the first week back from summer recess has proved a disappointment for the unpopular high school junior.

Oh high school.

Oh, high school.

“I really thought this was the thing that was going to get the cool kids to like me.  I mean, I have a goatee now,” Bryzciak told friend Allen Foley Saturday as the two camped out in Bryzciak’s backyard to spend the night discussing, among other things, the recent engagement of comic character Archie to longtime sweetheart Veronica, or Betty.  One of those.  I don’t really know.

Sources say Bryzciak hoped this would give him a chance to act on his crush on Christina Baudrillard, who is likely to be named head cheerleader even though she’s only a junior.  That’s how hot she is.

Last year, Baudrillard reportedly went out with Chris Wilkins in the first half of the year and Dave Childs in the second half of the year, and neither of them even have facial hair, so she must be impressed with a goatee, sources say.  “I mean, what’s cooler than a goatee?” Bryzciak asked.

Bryzciak cited as a secondary motive that he’s gonna get his driver’s license this year, so it’ll look really cool to have a goatee on it.  He can, like, go to the store and buy beer and the clerk won’t look at it closely and will see the goatee and think he looks old enough to buy.  “That way, Chrissy will have to like me.  I mean, I’ll be the only kid in the school that can buy beer.”

Bryzciak’s hopes have not started come to fruition yet, as the first week of school was marked by the general ambivalence of classmates towards him which had characterized the previous ten years of formal education.  “I don’t know, maybe everybody’s intimidated by it.  Maybe that’s why nobody said anything except that loser Callie Winstead,” said Bryzciak.

Sources say Bryzciak plans to accent the facial hair by borrowing his uncle’s leather jacket, saying, “I mean, a goatee AND a leather jacket?  Chrissy has to notice me then!  What more could a girl want?”

Sources have indicated that it would take a goatee, a leather jacket, supplying beer at all the parties, and a motorcycle to get the cool kids to notice and pretend to like Bryzciak.  Some say a Camaro.

Note: Any similarity between this article and the actual high school experiences of the author is purely coincidental, so if you knew the author in high school, don’t think too hard about it, especially the part about the Camaro.


Bloomington, IA – College students around the country returned to campuses last weekend after a summer of partying only to find beer and porn are no longer cool.  “Last spring, it was totally cool. Like, the guys in the frat

Bros have a new look.

New attitude, new look for bros this fall.

house would all get together and chug brewskies and totally rock porn,” said IU senior Bryce “Bryce-man” Taylor.  “This year, though, I got to my house and there was no beer in the fridge.  I was like, whoa.”

Taylor’s experience is not unique.  Sources say bros (also known as “Fellas,” “Shahbrahs,” “Yeahbrahs”) all over the country are finding a difficult adjustment this fall.  Nathan “Na-” Erikkson, a junior at IU explained.  “I don’t know. I got here two weeks ago, and it was like ‘what’s up brahs?’ and everybody was, like, ‘hello, old acquaintance,’ and I was like ‘WOOOOOOO,’ and they were all like ‘yes, quite,’ and I was like, ‘okay.’  You have to learn pretty fast when the frat changes or you get left behind.”

Sources have indicated that sitting on the lawn shirtless and blasting hip hop is no longer standard behavior after class.  Studying and treating women with respect are now seen as the heights of masculine behavior on campus.  Sources say the days of binge drinking and waking in a pool of vomit after having taken advantage of a young freshman girl and waking up to brad to your friends about are long gone.  Alcohol is now only imbibed before dinner in the form of a martini, as young men gather in their suits and ascots to discuss politics and the state of the economy.  “Perhaps we’ll have a glass of wine with dinner, but only if properly matched with the entre of the evening,” said Erikkson.  “I mean, we’re not animals.”

“At first, I was like ‘this is totally gay,’ and then somebody told me we’re not homophobic anymore, and I was like, ‘that’s gay, brah,’ and then somebody told me what ‘homophobic’ means, and I was like, ‘wait, so I’m not supposed to call things I don’t like ‘gay?’ and then it was like, ‘whoa,’ and then I was like, ‘whatever.’  Oh, I mean, and then I said, ‘Jolly good, old bean.'”

Denver – Catherine McKinnon, a 21 year old English major at The University of Colorado, changed her Facebook relationship status from “It’s Complicated” to “Single” Friday.

Sources say her relationship with Greg Donovan was strained since he graduated in the spring and accepted a job in California.  Some experts have speculated that the “complicated” label reflected an attempt at a long distance relationship, while others suggested it could mean either a breakup which she decided to keep private or an experiment with an open relationship, though there is a category for “in an open relationship” under status.  However, many women on Facebook know that such a classification is pretty much an invitation for every sleazy guy out there to contact them.  The change to “Single” is considered a bold move that many Facebook women put off for months.  Dr. Elizabeth Mongomery, Professor of Facebook studies and head researcher at the Berkeley School of W00t Lolz, said “this may have been a shrewd ploy by MacKinnon to either make Donovan jealous or to free herself to pursue someone else who may be turned off by ‘It’s Complicated.’”

The result of a Google Image search for Pretty Girl.  Editors note: It was kind of depressing to look at the images the search resulted. Go read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf.  Im not positive i buy Wolfs argument 100%, but its a good reminder that beauty is constructed.

The result of a Google Image search for "Pretty Girl." Editor's note: It was kind of depressing to look at the images the search resulted. Go read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf. I'm not positive i buy Wolf's argument 100%, but it's a good reminder that beauty is constructed. This image actually comes from a Photoshop how-to on doctoring photos to look like magazines. Click on the photo to see the article. By the way, did you notice that she has boobs? Me typing that will ensure I get a few more hits from Google traffic this week.

Classmate Richard “Richie” Thayer said Friday, “Oh man, I’ve been waiting for this forever!”  Thayer said he first noticed in May when MacKinnon changed her status from “In a relationship with Greg Donovan” to “It’s Complicated.”  Sources say he waited a few days and sent MacKinnon a casual note asking what grade she had earned in a class they shared together.  “You know, I just wanted to let her know we were friends, just so she’d maybe keep me in mind.  We’ve had a few notes back and forth over the summer, and I made sure we’d signed up for some of the same classes for the fall semester, even though I’d already taken some of them,” said Thayer.

Sources indicate that Thayer is not alone and that nearly 20 casual acquaintances have increased communication with MacKinnon since her May status change, and double that number are planning to make a move in the next few days.  “The ones who sent her a message immediately could be jeopardizing the whole operation,” said Dr. Mongomery.  “It’s  tough balance.  You don’t want to be the last one to contact her, but responding too soon is really to obvious.”

Another classmate, Robert Samuelson believes he is a shoe-in to be the next “In a relationship with” for Mackinnon.  “Oh yeah, she totally digs me,” Samuelson said.  “We live like .3 of a mile apart, and she totally talked to me before class sometimes last year.  Once, we even worked on a project together, and when we met in the library with our other group partners, there was a crazy sexual tension.”  Samuelson said he plans to “poke” her in a few days, just to get some online flirting going.  “I figure I’ll tell her she’s hot, and things will just go from there,” said Samuelson, who doesn’t stand a chance.

One thing is clear according to Dr. Mongomery.  “MacKinnon will find a new “in a relationship with,” and it won’t be someone who just knows her in real life.  It’ll be someone cunning and manipulative on the internet.”

Broomfield, CO – In a real story on Denver’s Local 7 News, and linked on, a Best Buy store manager revealed the company’s standard operating procedures with regard to shoplifting, saying employees are to “[cease] pursuit of a suspected shoplifter once they exit the store.”

This is what happens when you don't run.

This is what happens when you don't run.

Shoplifting blogs are lighting up all over the internet with plans to organize mass hits on Best Buy stores across the country.

“Great joy,” one blogger said.  “Great joy.”

Stephen M., blogger on “Shoplifters of the world unite,” said, “Oh shit!”

The general consensus is that this is the revolution they’re been waiting for.  “Down with capitalism!” one blogger said, while another agreed but asked, “Why didn’t Marx prophecy this?”

Petty thieves have long known of this policy at many establishments, but to hear it stated publicly in this way is like a siren call to the proud sailors on the seas of product liberation.

This story isn’t that funny, but it might be filed under “Inspirational.”  Perhaps it will spur readers to go out and jack some shit from a “faceless corporation,” an investor owned exploitation mill.  Take that commodity fetishism! – sources say.

Great Bend, KS – Since his appointment as Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan has made it the DOE’s top priority to evaluate the Bush Administrations existing programs, specifically No Child Left Behind.  The exhaustive study released Wednesday reports called NCLB an “unequivocal failure,” citing discovery of Alyssa Wheatly, a Great Bend, KS 14 year old who was left behind.

Alyssa Wheatly left behind after school.

Alyssa Wheatly left behind after school.

“We simply found that the program has failed in the only promise it makes,” said Duncan.  “You say ‘No Child Left Behind’ right in the title, and yet, there was a child who was left behind.”  Duncan noted Wheatly’s performance in science, math, and English in a variety of test situations as proof that she has been left “far behind.”  He goes on to explain, “she’s really, well, a moron.  I mean, I met with her personally, and every time I asked her a question, she was like, ‘whatever’ or ‘I don’t care.’  ‘Alyssa, what’s the capital of Kansas?’ ‘I don’t care’ ‘Alyssa, how do you like your teachers?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Alyssa, what’s your favorite subject?’ ‘I don’t know.’”  Duncan went on to say, “The most worst thing is the way she talks, like everything’s a question.  Her inflection rises at the end of every sentence like , ‘I’m 14 years OLD?’ Ugh, I just want to shake her!  I mean, she’s clearly an imbecile, and that’s how I know we need to completely overhaul the education system in this country.”

The official report outlined one strategy to address the situation: “The most cost-effective remedy would be to rename No Child Left Behind.”  When asked, Duncan revealed three competing renaming proposals, “One or At The Most A Few Children Left Behind” and “No Child Except Alyssa Wheatly Left Behind” and “If Alyssa Wheatly is any Indication of the State of Education in this Country, We Will Soon Bow Before Our Chinese Overlords, Anyway, So Let’s Just Give Up.”

Former President George W. Bush, who was responsible for NCLB released a statement following the report apologizing for letting the country down, saying, “If I had known about Alyssa, I would have called the program something different.”

When reached for comment on her role in education reform, Alyssa said, It’s like, coOL? I mean, I like, already made a lot of Myspace friends since the report came oUT?”  When asked about her plans for the future, she asked, “I want to be a choreographer or a professional shoppER like they advertise for on FaceboOK?  I’ve already been given a scholarship to Regent UniversiTY?”

New York – Columbia University, an original member of the Ivy League, thinks it’s too good to admit some people to its graduate program in Communication in the School of Journalism.  It thinks it’s so great, just because it’s in New York, and everybody wants to go there, just because they’re the ones who give out Pulitzer Prizes.  They’re all like, “More Nobel Prize winners (78) are affiliated with our university than with any other organization in the world, not to mention four presidents and nine Supreme Court Justices.”

The Journalism building is named after Joseph Pulitzer!  Come on!

The Journalism building is named after Joseph Pulitzer! Come on!

Reports indicate that I didn’t want to go there, anyway.  I mean, who needs all those snobs?  I’d rather go to my fifth choice school.  Nope.  Not Berkeley or Brown or NYU, either.  They all think they’re so great.  Who needs them? – sources say.

Seriously, though, visit the campus.  It is a truly beautiful site.

Ahem, sources say I’m not bitter and don’t regret my own failure to be interested in education much earlier in life.  Study hard, kids, and don’t waste your time playing baseball all summer.  You’re not going to make the major leagues, anyway.  Oh, and a state education seems like a good idea because it’s cheap, but come on, you can do better than that.  At least go to a UC for your undergrad.  A CSU?  Really?  A CSU?  Come on!