Arts


Los Angeles – The former front man of 1980s New Wave band The Smiths released his ninth solo studio album, Years of Refusal, in 2009.  Experts are now starting to agree that album is, in fact, a bummer.  “The songs are great, don’t get me wrong, and you know, we expect a certain amount of melancholy from the man who composed such songs as ‘Everyday Is Like Sunday’ and ‘Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,’ but this time around, he’s really bummed us out,” said Seth Daniels of Rolling Stone.

Eeven when I smile, it's 'cause I'm sad.

Daniels acknowledged, however, that it’s pretty awesome when Morrissey says stuff like, “I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out. Thank you, drop dead.”  “Yeah,” said Daniels, “that is pretty awesome.”

The buzz on fan sites has recently focused on the opinion that songs like “Black Cloud,” “It’s Not Your Birthday Anymore,” and “Sorry Doesn’t Help” are just really, really sad.  One blogger noted that “I thought ‘I’m Throwing My Arms around Paris’ was gonna be a big happy song, but it’s like, ‘because only stone and steel accept my love!’  Come on!”

Another blogger added, “Yeah, it’s like, ‘I’ve been in a steady state of depression since about 1987 when I first heard ‘I wear black on the outside ‘cause black is how I feel on the inside.’  Give me SOMETHING here, bro!’” Others have thought that “I’m Okay by Myself” would be a positive song, but it’s not.

“‘When I Last Spoke to Carol,’ ‘You Were Good in Your Time,’ ‘Mama Lay Softly on the Riverbed’ are all about dead people.  Come on!” said Dana Liebowitz, chair of the Morrissey Studies program at the University of California, San Diego.  Liebowitz, however, pointed out that this shouldn’t come as a surprise.  “I mean, if you think about it, the world is a terrible place full of selfish, hurtful people.  There really is no love in modern life.  What’s the point of going on?  What’s the point of going on?”

Liebowitz’s research assistant, Celia Martinez-Caucho, added, “Sorrow will come in the end.  Only sorrow.”

Broomfield, CO – In a real story on Denver’s Local 7 News, and linked on CNN.com, a Best Buy store manager revealed the company’s standard operating procedures with regard to shoplifting, saying employees are to “[cease] pursuit of a suspected shoplifter once they exit the store.”

This is what happens when you don't run.

This is what happens when you don't run.

Shoplifting blogs are lighting up all over the internet with plans to organize mass hits on Best Buy stores across the country.

“Great joy,” one blogger said.  “Great joy.”

Stephen M., blogger on “Shoplifters of the world unite,” said, “Oh shit!”

The general consensus is that this is the revolution they’re been waiting for.  “Down with capitalism!” one blogger said, while another agreed but asked, “Why didn’t Marx prophecy this?”

Petty thieves have long known of this policy at many establishments, but to hear it stated publicly in this way is like a siren call to the proud sailors on the seas of product liberation.

This story isn’t that funny, but it might be filed under “Inspirational.”  Perhaps it will spur readers to go out and jack some shit from a “faceless corporation,” an investor owned exploitation mill.  Take that commodity fetishism! – sources say.

New York – The New York Museum of Art, Science, and History (NYMASH) plans to unveil what curators around the world have heralded as, “the single greatest, most shocking exhibit ever displayed” to the public starting August 11th.

"Oh, wow.  Those are real bones?  No?  Just casts of real bones?  Now I'm even more disappointed."

"Oh, wow. Those are real bones? No? Just casts of real bones? Now I'm even more disappointed."

Teachers from all over the northeast are already planning to drag their students to the museum for day-long fieldtrips on which the parent chaperons will do most all the work while the teacher quietly steps into Central Park to enjoy a day free from their soul-crushing job.

Oblivious kid next to a replica of the kind of hat sort of like the kind Lincoln wore a couple of times.  Shirt reads: "Now Accepting Hot Girlfriends." Priceless.

Oblivious kid next to a replica of the kind of hat sort of like the kind Lincoln wore a couple of times. Shirt reads: "Now Accepting Hot Girlfriends." Priceless.

Parents and teachers alike will only half-heartedly fake enthusiasm.  Experts agree that school children who are forced to look at the exhibit will show little to no interest.  Only the really weird kids will have fun, excluding the bus trip, which everybody knows is even better than having a substitute teacher.  Many children will explore the the shallow waters of their budding sexuality on these fieldtrips.

Pretentious intellectuals feign interest is some shitty exhibit

Pretentious intellectuals feign interest is some shitty exhibit

Sources reveal that the exhibit cost the museum and its benefactors, including the Alfred J. Mueller Foundation for Grand Displays of Things Nobody Cares About and a federal grant from the National Endowment for Whatever, over $2.3B just to procure the rights to the display and fund the special curatorial staff.

Reports did mention the details of the exhibit, such as the domain in which it falls (Art, Science, or History) and what it actually is, but whatever it was, I didn’t bother writing it down because, seriously, it’s a museum exhibit.  Who cares?