Washington – In a 5-4 decision handed down Thursday, the Supreme Court found The Constitution of the United States to be a direct violation of the rights of the people, a move experts say is just fucking with us.

Chief Justice John Roberts fought off a case of the giggles long enough to pose for this picture, but the delivery of ruling on the landmark case People Versus The People was a regular snickerfest.

The majority opinion, written by Chief Justice Roberts, reported that Articles I and II directly conflict with the preamble by establishing the houses of Congress and the Executive Branch, which “severely limit the rights of the people of the United States and the ability of the Federal government to establish Justice and insure domestic Tranquility.”  Roberts goes on to detail over the course of nearly 30 pages the ways in which the Federal government causes conflict and creates injustice.
He further describes the ways in which many of the amendments contradict the original document, including the 16th Amendment’s allowance of Federal government to collect taxes and the 19th Amendment’s providing women the right to vote.
Perhaps the most surprising argument in the document is that the Constitution is too long, and it’s too hard to remember the difference between the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.
Justice Stephen Breyer, the one nobody has ever heard of, wrote a boring-ass 230 page dissenting opinion referring largely to The Magna Carta and the balance between justice and Lockean fundamental principles of individual liberty.  Breyer frequently conflates The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Pledge of Allegiance, and the Neil Diamond’s 1987 hit song “Coming to America.”

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