Headline riffs 1-5-11

A screen shot of CNN.com headlines

• Job market comes alive and terrorizes small midwestern city, devouring everything  in its path.
• States set sights on ‘anchor babies’ I don’t care what their immigration status is.  It’s never okay to shoot babies.
• Ticker: Bachmann move raises brows So what?  Lots of people can raise their eyebrows?  What’s so special about Michelle Bachmann doing it?
• Rand Paul moving in with Dad Regardless of your opinion of Rand and Ron’s politics, you have to admit that’s pretty adorable.
• Possible Nazi-era mass grave found Are you suggesting the Nazis buried people in mass graves?  This is quite an accusation.  Are you prepared to stand by it?
• 2 winning Mega Millions tickets Hold on, I need to check on something…  Damnit.  It turns out I didn’t actually buy a lottery ticket.
• Singer Gerry Rafferty dies The Gerry Rafferty Five reportedly plans to complete their European tour without him.
• Michigan fires its football coach The entire state of Michigan only had one football coach?  That doesn’t seem like enough.
• DNA test for hair color Why don’t you just look at the hair?
• Dad accused of dismembering child through years of pressure to succeed.
• Arrest in killing of dad outside day care Eddie Murphy reportedly expressed interest in Daddy Daycare II: The Reckoning.
• Balding may be a stem cell problem Those poor stem cells will have to battle for self-esteem issues as they age.
• Texting without lifting a finger I said it when they started talking about the telegraph, and I’ll say it again.  There’s no way this technology will ever make it to market.  The finger industry owns the patent on voice-to-text technology, just like the physical proximity industry owned the telegraph industry.
• You won’t believe this man’s voice Nor will you care.

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