Sporting event takes place

Not this kind of futbal

USA – Very large, yet surprisingly nimble, men gathered, probably in an America city, Sunday to play a game of football while perhaps tens of thousands of people watched on television, maybe more.  It was not known at press time which team scored more points in the end, nor did it matter in the grand scheme of things.

No, not like this.

According to sources, there were also lots of people interested in seeing the advertisements during breaks in the game, or something.

Somehow this is a big story, or perhaps not.  The main thing to keep in mind is that these men are both big and nimble, and some of them are quite skillful in the art of advancing a pneumatically-charged animal carcass toward a particular space at the end of the grassy area, while others are skillful at stopping them from doing so – not through critical debate on the merits of moving the object over leaving it in place, but through force.

This reporter can’t help wonder, what exactly happened in that city, and why.

No, not even this, though it is a group of men fighting over the advancement of an animal carcass across arbitrarily defined areas. That's right, this is the Afghani sport of "buzkashi," and that is a headless goat.

 

Local man remembers when cell phones were bigger, different

Savannah, GA – Gregg Jeffers, wowed his friends, Saturday, with a night-long string of jokes about old cell phones, which, as he pointed out, used to be bigger and different.  The group of friends and work collegues gather’s at Sarah’s Bar and Grill for the birthday party of Clearview’s Lisa Vogal, but witnesses say early in the evening Jeffers took center stage.

Clearview's Lisa Vogal (left) displays her "new cell phone" given to her by "humorous" friend Gregg Jeffers (right).

“I was like, who is this guy,” said one attendee, who asked to remain anonymous.  “I got a text message and he was like, ‘whoa, you’re blowing up over there.”  Later, when another guest also received a text, Jeffers accused the two of sending messages to each other, despite their sitting in adjacent seats at the table.  “What, are you two the technology twins?” Jeffers allegedly, asked.  He then mimicked the act of typing with his thumbs, dictating as he did, “If we send each other texts, we don’t have to talk to each other.”  After pausing to laugh boisterously, Jeffers added, “Yeah, check out the cute guy,” then motioned to himself.

“I just took out my cell phone to check the time,” said Laura Gilbert of Carver Heights.  “This guy I’d never even met before grabbed it and was, like, “Look at the size of this thing.  Did you get this on Craig’s List from Zach Morris?  I was like, ‘what are you talking about,’ and he sort of faked pulling out a really long antenna on it and pretended it was a walkie-talkie.  He said he was calling in an air strike and he pretended to crank a little wheel on the back like that’s how you charged it.”  According to witnesses, Gilbert’s Samsung M240 is a modestly-sized flip phone which doesn’t even have an antenna.  “He pretended it had a rotary dial, and we were like, ‘what are you doing?’  He was like, ‘Clondike 129, this is the operator.  Will you accept a person-to-person call?’” reported Jim Weller of Savannah

Witnesses reported that as Vogal began to open her gift from Jeffers, he shouted, “I got you a new cell phone” from across the table.  “I thought that was kind of weird ‘cause he knows I love my Blackberry.  I just got it a couple months ago,” said Vogal.

After all the gifts had been opened, Jeffers embraced Vogal and asked, “How do you like the new cell phone?”  Vogal reportedly smiled and told him she did like it and that it was a funny joke.  He then proceeded to tell the group about what cell phones were like in the 1980s.  “They were bigger.  I mean, that’s pretty much just what he said,” reported Gilbert.  “Okay, we get it.  Funny guy.”

 

Blacks, military people, Asians, and women approve of GOP

Black woman, army guy, Asian guy, and white woman look on approvingly as Bob McDonnell delivers State of the Union Rebuttal.

Richmond – Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell deliver the Republican rebuttal to President Obama’s State of the Union speech, Wednesday night before a multicultural audience who clearly thought the freshman Governor was right on the issues.

“The Asian man who nodded throughout the speech really showed that the GOP is the party of the people,” said Fox News Analyst Elizabeth Upshaw, a woman.  “I really think we saw something tonight.  A lot of times, the white woman nodded at the same time as the Asian guy, and I think that really gives us an idea of how unifying the Republican Party is right now.  I mean, women and Asian men?”

Experts agreed that the black woman seemed pleased with McDonnell’s points about taxes and jobs, a clear sign that African Americans now feel betrayed by Obama, who after all, is only half black.

“What are the odds that such a diverse collection of interested listeners would happen to sit right behind McDonnell for his speech?”, asked Fox News personality, Glenn Beck.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, whose name is similar to Bob McDonnell’s, compared the audience to the one attending Obama’s speech, saying, “Did you see who was behind Obama?  A white man and a white woman.  That just goes to show you how Democrats are failing to address the issues important to minorities.  How else do you explain all the white people in the audience?

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann was quick to point out, however, that Hispanics, the fastest growing minority group, hate McDonnell and the GOP, a point Olbermann claimed was “the only explanation for the glaring absence of Mexicans behind McDonnell.”

When reached for comment, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal admitted that the party has made great strides since last year, when he delivered an embarrassingly awkward speech in an apparently empty room.  “I guess the party just wasn’t popular last year.  I’m happy for Bob,” he said.  “Remember last year?  Yeah, that was rough.  I’m glad the party learned to use props in the background instead of putting them out there in the open to embarrass themselves.”

 

Obama addresses audience as ‘fellow Americans’

Pretends to be an American

Washington – In a rhetorical move that shocked observers, President Obama, Wednesday, began his State of the Union speech with the phrase “My fellow Americans.”  The greeting, which experts think was probably invented by Reagan, is usually reserved for presidents who are legitimate citizens of the United States, rather than Kenyan-born impostor presidents whose sole goal in life is to bring the end of America as we have known it.

The collective gasp of the room was so loud, few were able to discern Joe Wilson’s outburst of “You lie.”  Senator Jim DeMint told ABC News, “I was just so caught off guard when he said that, I forgot to shout obscenities in his general direction.”

 

Blogger saddened no one noticed monthlong absence

Oh, sadness.

Bike Banbourt, little-known blogger of unpopular site, went a month without blogging and nobody noticed.  How sad and lonely it is to be on the internet.

Experts agree that Morrissey was right about everything.

 

Obama: I forgot about terrorism

Honolulu – President Obama said Tuesday that a “mix of human and systemic failure” allowed a terror suspect to board a U.S. airliner in the botched bombing attempt on Christmas Day.  “Also,” the president added, “I totally forgot about terrorism, so the whole thing was my fault.”

Forgot about terrorism

Obama admitted that he’s been super busy lately, and terrorism just slipped his mind.  “I know it’s my responsibility to make sure everybody on a watch list is accounted for at all times, but I just had a lot of things going on.”

“I have a lot on my plate right now,” said Obama from the hot tub at the Kahala Resort, where he and his family are spending their Christmas break.  “A lot of balls in the air,” he added before sipping a martini.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney issued a statement saying, “I told you so.”

 

Family achieves gift equilibrium

Scranton, PA – The Powells of Scranton achieved an unprecedented equilibrium, Friday, when the five family members exchanged precisely equal gift cards in their annual Christmas tradition.  Father and mother David and Julie Powell presented $25 Amazon gift cards to each of their children, Dave Jr., Beth, and Ted who in turn presented $25 Amazon gift cards to their parents and to each other.

The gift that says, "Whatever."

She told reporters, “I just don’t really know my family very well, said Beth, a 36 year-old accountant, so, I don’t know.   I just figured anybody can get stuff at Amazon.  You know, whatever.”

Father, David Sr., reported, “Most years, Ted is the weak link, but he graduated last year and he has a pretty good job, so it’s really a Christmas miracle.”

Mother, Julie, added, “Can you imagine?  It’s just a miracle.  I feel so blessed.”

“I actually forgot about getting them stuff until Christmas eve, so I just downloaded some cards because if I showed up with nothing again this year, dad would have gone ballistic” said Ted.

This year’s unquestionable success was a welcome change from the failure of last year’s massage chair gift, which has still never been removed from the box.  “I don’t know.  Whatever,” added Dave Jr.  “This whole thing is stupid.  We don’t even talk to each other.”

Dave Sr. told reporters that he really wanted to give his wife a bathrobe or a vacuum cleaner, but there were just so many great choices for her he was unable to pick one, so the gift card was the ideal solution.  “I mean, I could have gotten her a pocket book, but that’s so impersonal.”

 

Local man observes first snowfall ever

Columbus, OH – Greg Mintor, of accounting firm Anderson, Wheeler, and Associates, peered out the break room window, Friday, and spotted the first flake of snow ever to fall on the face of the earth, according to a source on the scene.

Local man acts like he's never fucking seen snow before.

“Greg went nuts,” said the anonymous informant.  “He was running up and down the halls yelling, ‘It’s snowing!  It’s snowing.’”

Another anonymous coworker told reporters, “He was prancing around singing Christmas carols like some elfin halfwit wacked out on sugarplums.  Pathetic.”

Jill St. Marie, the manager of Mintor’s team, reported that she was unable to get him to focus on his work for the rest of the day.  “He was all, like, ‘Let’s do secret Santa this year.  Let’s do secret Santa this year!’  I finally had to tell him, ‘If you don’t get to work, I’m gonna have to write you up.’  He didn’t say anything to that, just handed me a candycane and did cartwheels down the hall.”

According to sources, Mintor’s coworkers believe the presence of the candycanes indicates that this was a premeditated celebration.

“That green and white snowflake sweater came out of nowhere,” said Beth Thomas, who shares a cubicle and a bookcase with Mintor.

Authorities found that Mintor’s Facebook page contained a chilling premonition of things to come.  Lead investigator Donya Johnson told reporters that Mintor’s Facebook status updates for the past several weeks indicate a clear pattern of behavior and a tendency that loved ones should have noticed.  “As early as November 7^th, Mintor was posting ambiguous messages like, ‘Soon I will have my day’ and ‘It’s beginning to look a lot like… showtime.’”  According to Johnson, Friday’s post said simply, “Today IS the day!”

Authorities are calling for a national day of awareness, suggesting families need to be educated about cases such as these so that they may recognize the warning signs.

Said, Johnson, “It’s like the guy had never seen snow before.  What the fuck?  Calm down.”

 

Youth group discovers secret to combat downfall of society

Vacaville, CA – An actual, real life, not-intended-to-be-ironic, video made by young members of an actual Christian Youth Group recently put on a live performance advocating for a new style of hug designed to combat the sinful “front hug,” which has wreaked so much havoc around the world.  Experts agree that the “side hug” will soon sweep the nation, thanks largely to the really cool hip hop song and kickin’ dance moves seen on the YouTube video of the group’s performance at a recent conference.  Experts also lamented that many of the cheers in the crowd were other than derisive and sarcastic.

 

Nation’s morons set alarms for 3AM

Remember, people actually die for this shit. "My grampa died liberating Paris from the Nazis!" "So, my dad died trying to get a PS2 for 30% off." "Brave men, both."

Dayton, OH – After a night of eating way too much food and sitting through awkward dinners with extended family, Americans around the country set their alarm clocks, Thursday, to be among the first in line for the 4AM opening of Best Buy, Wal-Mart, and other shitty stores that are advertising shitty products at amazingly low prices.

Deborah Sandburg, of Dayton, told reporters that she saw an Acer Aspire XLK Notebook computer advertised in the Best Buy flier in her local paper.  “I figure, $179 for a laptop?  My Billy would love that under the tree this year.”

Sources say, even if Sandburg is first in line, she’s likely going to be disappointed to find that the computer is out of stock.  “That model doesn’t even exist,” said an anonymous insider, “but these people aren’t smart enough to resist the temptation of the unbelievable deals we say they can get.”

“My Billy is 15,” said Sandburg, “so it’s really important that I buy his love with some really great presents, preferably some made by young children in far-away lands.  Maybe then Billy will talk to me at the dinner table.”

When reached for comment, Bill Sandburg said, “I don’t care.  I just want to play my guitar in my room.  Leave me alone!”

“I don’t care if I have to wait in line all night and all day,” said Sandburg.  “Jesus died for my sins, so the least I can do is take advantage of great deals on his birthday.”  Experts said that it is highly likely that Jesus did not, in fact, die for Sandburg’s sins, but, they conceded, Jesus would approve of the scowling judgment Sandburg will inevitably pass on her fellow shoppers, whose lack of self control in the toy aisle and inability to negotiate the complex debit card swiper at the register will provoke slurs under her breath.

Experts agree that the Christmas season really brings out the best in people and that most people are kind of dumb.