Palin blasts Obama’s ‘Robot Army Tax’

Anchorage – Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin had harsh criticism Friday for President Obama’s initiate to require federal registration of robot armies.  On her Facebook page, Palin wrote, “The fee on robot army registration is unconstitutional, and it couldn’t come at a worse time for hard working Americans who are struggling just to amass their paragovernmental mechanized arctic warriors.”  Critics say Palin is overreacting to the nominal $35 charge, which they say is a simply to cover administrative costs.  Palin posted a YouTube video Saturday arguing that the fee amounts to “a penalty on Americans for not being submissive to the socialist humanoid government.”

Palin further noted, “If we allow this intrusion on our God-given right to train and maintain standing militias of android soldiers to serve our personal goals, what’s going to stop the government from regulating our mutant yeti battalions?  Our laser beam polar bears?  Our penguin grenades?  That’s not the America I know and love.”

Palin followed up the video on Twitter this afternoon, tweeting, “Eating at Sam’s House of Omlets! Breakfast all day!”

 

Blogger accidentally visits own blogs for 1,000th time

Internettwon, USA – Although he’s happy to see his hit counter reach quadruple digits, local blogger Bike Bancourt blogged that it comes with disappointment since all 1,000 hits came when he accidentally visited his own blog, thinking he was logged in and wouldn’t be counted.  “Sigh,” he blogged.

 

American culture jumps shark

Palo Alto, CA – Cultural Studies researchers at Stanford University confirmed Monday that American culture has officially passed into absurdity and is likely to soon be cancelled.

Researcher Allayn Cullen told reporters that “America is just trying too hard at this point.  There comes a time in every TV show’s life that it just has to recognize that no crazy gimmicks will restore the program to its former success.”

Fellow researcher Carroll Mathewson agreed, adding, “I mean, America elected a black president.  In cultural terms, that’s no different than The Cosby Show adding Raven Simone to the cast when Rudy got too old to be cute.  I think we all knew this wasn’t a good sign, and, of course, we all knew little raven would wear out her cute before long.”

 

Obama Announces Allied Liberation of Rome

Washington – In his weekly radio address Thursday, President Obama announced that allied forces had achieved their objective of capturing Rome.  “Yesterday, on June fourth, 1944, Rome fell to American and Allied troops. The first of the Axis capitals is now in our hands. One up and two to go!”, The President said.  He then added, “The prospect of the liberation of Rome meant enough to Hitler and his generals to induce them to fight desperately at great cost of men and materials and with great sacrifice to their crumbling Eastern line and to their Western front. No thanks are due to them if Rome was spared the devastation which the Germans wreaked on Naples and other Italian cities. The Allied Generals maneuvered so skillfully that the Nazis could only have stayed long enough to damage Rome at the risk of losing their armies.”

Critics say Obama is doing nothing more than taking President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s Fireside Chat from June 5, 1944 and reading it word for word.

Supporters say Obama is a great leader who will defeat Hitler unless his polio gets to him first.

Fox News Channel’s Sean Hannity “reported,” “The Obama Administration is so desperate for good news in the face of dismal job reports and the rising quagmire in Afghanistan that he has had to go back 65 years to find good news from a Democratic president to plagiarize.”

Meanwhile, ACORN has initiated rubber, tin, and paper drives across the country, while Senate Majority Leader Harry Ried urged Americans to buy War Bonds.

Obama added, “I am wearing a pinstripe suit.”

Reports indicate that Vice President Biden looks forward to dropping the Atomic Bomb on hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians.

 

LaBron James shocks NBA: “We’re ready to compete”

Cleveland – Just hours before tipoff of the NBA regular season, NBA MVP LaBron James is at the center of a stir that threatens league-wide harmony.  James told reporters Tuesday night, “We’re gonna come out and play hard.  We’re ready to compete.”  Shocked reporters asked follow-up questions, but James only added additional statements about working hard and playing “Cleveland Cavalier basketball” before saying again, “We’re ready to compete.”

Paul Pierce, All Star Forward for the visiting Boston Celtics, expressed disbelief when asked about James’s bold statement.  “You know, ‘Bron’s a good guy.  I gotta think he didn’t mean anything by it, but still.  How do come out and say something like that?”

 

God issues recall, apology for major design flaws

Heaven – In a press conference and accompanying detailed press release, Friday, God announced a recall of nearly seven billion human beings, and the universe as a whole, telling reporters, “Frankly, I rushed the whole thing to market.” This rings true with God’s critics, who have often suggested that six days to design, implement, and distribute the whole of the universe is not enough.

God sorry about war, protesters.

One critic, Elizabeth Chalmers of the nonprofit group, Humans for a More Efficient Universe, noted, “God spent only six days creating the universe, and then he rested.  He did nothing for – like – trillions of years, and then he saw that things were getting messy so he sent his assistant to do some stuff, but it was really too little too late for such minimal damage control.”

 

New Study: People like TV

New Haven, CT – Yale University researchers released their findings, Monday, from a half-century-long study on television and American culture.

 

National lunch menu for week of Oct 19th elicits criticism, praise

Washington – Secretary of Lunch Albert Delarosa told reporters Wednesday that he thinks the national lunch menu should provide a lot of surprises for Americans.

 

Indie rock song describes local man’s situation perfectly

Dearborn, MI – Dean Shivo was listening to old indie CD’s Monday when he realized a song by ‘90’s Midwest emo band, Cold Weather Jacket, explains his situation perfectly.  “It’s like, that band must have had a time machine, and, like, they interviewed me, then went back in time and made this song,” said Shivo, who recently broke up with his girlfriend when she moved to Austin, TX to attend graduate school.  “I mean, if you just replace ‘Indiana’ with ‘Texas,’ it’s exactly what I’m going through,” he said, referring to the song’s title, “Call me, Indiana.”

*Le sigh*

“How did they know that I would want to call her but just couldn’t dial that phone?  How did they know?”  Shivo explained that the jangling guitar rifs seem to be written just for him, and the part in the song in which the music stops but the singer sings a couple syllables and then the music comes back in really heavy, that’s like his heart stopping but the vocals that keep going are like his feelings for Debbie.  “Oh, yeah, the song seems to be dedicated to somebody named ‘Sarah,’ if the second bridge is any clue, so you’d have to change that, too.  But, other than ‘Sarah’ and ‘Indiana,’ it’s pretty much about me.”

Shivo admits that he’s not quite sure what to make of the reference to “walking down her old street, where we first kissed” since the two actually first kissed in his apartment, but he’s pretty sure there’s something in there.

 

Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize, sets sights on American League MVP

Oslo, Norway – In a move that shocked the cool sounding international awards community, President Obama was named the recipient of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

“This is great news,” said Obama, “but what I’m really hoping for is the AL MVP.”  Baseball’s highest honor (unlike the National League MVP, which is largely regarded as a worthless popularity contest) has only been won by a sitting president two times: Gerald Ford in 1975 and George H. W. Bush in 1989.